Tag Archives: WORDS

Predictive text – it’s no picnic

‘Why are you looking so perplexed?’ Wooof asked me this morning during my third cup of coffee.

‘It’s that predictive text thingy,’ I said.

‘Oh?’

‘Well, it never works. For example, I’ve been researching for a big writing piece I’m working on. I tried to enter into my search engine: “Public Inquiries of the Twentieth Century” … and do you know what it predicted?’

‘What?’

‘”Picnic Injuries of the Twentieth Century”, that’s what!’

‘Ha-ha,’ laughed the cat. ‘I suppose that might involve trapped fingers inside hampers, wasp stings, napkin cuts, champagne corks in the eye.’

‘It’s pretty serious stuff when you look into it. Perhaps we ought to warn our readers?’

‘We should,’ agreed the cat. ‘Summer’s only around the corner. Soon there’ll be chequered blankets and condiments everywhere! How are we to keep the good folk of Vintage-land safe?’

‘By launching our very own public service picnic ad campaign!’ I said.

‘Are you serious?’

‘Sometimes.’

‘Alright,’ said the cat. ‘Let’s do it!’


INTRODUCING 

TVTA’s Summertime Safe Picnic Initiative is proudly sponsored by Badgerworth’s Wasp-catcher Kettles and Foxes & Fangles Mind That Bear Exploding Monkeys.



Ask The Family! 

We asked 1960’s Tammy’s family for their top Dos and Don’ts when it comes to enjoying a safe picnic in style.


The right look, the safe look!

Tammy: “It’s important for me to look my best at all times. But when it comes to picnics… skiing, roller skates and archery are huge no-go areas. Don’t be tempted by the latest fads or what your friends might say. It’s just not worth the risk!”

 

Below: Good show Tammy, that’s the safe way to picnic and you still look stylish!


Don’t be a square, daddy-o!

Ted and Dad are taking big risks by wearing such formal and warm attire to the picnic. 27% of picnic fatalities are caused by heat exposure and the rapid onset of mindless delirium. In severe cases the over-heated picnicker may resort to heinous criminal activity. 

Below: That’s better lads!


Stay cool, but never be underdressed!

Blimey Mom, watch out for your skin! More than 32% of picnic fatalities are caused by deadly insects attracted to human flesh. In addition, serious sunburn injuries can occur within just minutes of exposing bare arms and legs on the picnic blanket. Don’t risk it. Cover up sensibly. Mom looks great for a woman her age, let’s keep her that way!


Keep an eye on children at all times!

More than 47% of picnic fatalities arise from children being taken offsite by wild bears, mountain lions, Komodo dragons and in rare cases sharks.

Be seen!

Tammy’s younger sister Pepper says: “When I was very young I had to stay at home during family picnics. Understandable. The risk was too great. Now I’m older I wear the latest, brightest and fashionable clothing so that my family can easily spot me. Bright colours can also act as a deterrent to killer animals. Don’t forget to accessorise with glitter and jewellery to make you really stand out! Visibility coupled with style is key. How else will your family be able to find you as wild creatures drag you screaming into the woods by your bleeding hair follicles and…  

… alright Pepper that’s enough, we get the idea. Stop freaking us out! 

Picnic on dudes!

So dear reader, this summer, be safe, be seen, be stylish, and most importantly enjoy your picnic adventures!

 


Editor’s note: If you would like to find out more about Tammy’s family then please take a look at our excellent Tammy catalogue pages here

And Wooof, please change the site logo back to how it was!

Two poems

1.

Among Us

You told us once about reptiles and amphibians

The symbolism, intent, double-meanings

Their hunger

A prince’s pursed lips, a fairytale wish

You said stay away from forests, castles and New York sewers

Warned us of bacterial bites from Komodo Dragons

To not keep snakes or entertain Bearded Dragons

Are you a witch? We asked

No, you said, but was once poisoned by hand cream and oranges

Contaminated beans on toast and energy drinks

Offered by men and women in alligator skins

Who had power to turn poetry into horror in a single day

You said it made you puke when you read in the news

Of that three-headed, six-legged frog found in a school swimming pool

Would make a great pet, someone said

No, said you, it is us who will make great pets for them

See, how they will try to improve us

Stare into our dark places where we hide our shame and guilty secrets

How they devour our sad stories, our dark fairytales

How they leech on our desires

Don’t. Ever. Trust. Them. Is what you say

Beware of them hiding under stones and rocks

Lurking in the grass or under damp logs

Camouflaged in trees or submerged in bogs

And as for the forests and castles and the New York sewers…

Some fairytales are best put to bed

You told us you used to think exploding frogs

Blown-up by straws was extremely cruel

Now you tell us it’s extremely cool.


2.

A Deadly Stream

Three days and nights of relentless rain

That came in sheets as hard as nails from four directions and a granite sky

Accompanied by that lunatic Mistral which owned the streets and ripped off tiles

Toppled fences and sent wheelie bins spinning like defective Daleks

Wisely, most trees bent the knee to the staggering onslaught

Those more republican were swiftly uprooted

Came crashing down like dissident ogres and defeated giants

Coudon offered up its slopes to the charging water

That rushed from the mountain in anticipation of the sea

A delegation bearing gifts of fag ends, soft drink cans

McDonald’s packaging, palm leaves and plastic bags

An armada of debris and detritus offered to the Med.

 

It was on the news

The campus resembled a lagoon

The stream that parted it no longer visible

She went under at around four O’clock, and he jumped in to save her

Witnesses said both were gone in seconds

Forced through a culvert no bigger than the door of an industrial washing machine

Propelled through the concrete tube built beneath the main road

By town planners who believed that this was the best way to control water

When you wanted cars to travel across it

 

A year passes

Remembrances for the two dead students

The mayor erects fences along both sides of the stream that cuts through the Uni

Commissions signs written in French and English that warn:

DANGER. FLOODPLAIN. RISQUE DE NOYADE

Town planners nod sagely in warm offices

Once again believing they have the measure of water.


Words and photos by the editor

TVTA means…

2017 in review. Bolt by bolt.

Wooof and I like to celebrate our small achievements here at TVTA. In 2017 we gained more than 2.5 million followers, 2 billion likes, received numerous nominations such as the Lobster Award, the Good Morning I’m Hungry Award, the Time Travelling Companions of Gannow Award, the Friendly Blogger Looking to Borrow A Few Bucks Award, the Sunshine And Scattered Showers Award, and we were also Freshly Parsed 42 times!

Why, that’s enough achievements to be able to view the Great Wall of China from space with a pair of 1980s dinosaur explorer toy binoculars, cold enough to freeze penguins to a lampost, and loud enough to distract excitable puppies when used in conjunction with a sonic dog whistle and My Little Kitty glove puppet!

So what does it all mean, this TVTA thing? And do we have adverts for it?

Well, a quick browse on the interweb reveals that TVTA actually means… Threat and Vulnerablity Testing and Assessment

TVTA also means… Thermal Vacuum Test Article

and TVTA also means … Technical and Vocational Training Act

and Triple Vaginal Triple Anal … WOAH! Stop right there Wooof!

Where the heck did that one come from?

This is a family-friendly blog showcasing vintage toys!

Suffice to say, there is no mention of our humble blog anywhere in acronym land, so Wooof has been frantically retro-adding TVTA to the tags of all our old posts like a cat out of hell!

Go Wooof, you fantastic cat you!

And now, the TVTA 2017 awards sponsored by Stephen Spookberg’s Speak and Spell Time Machine Soda-Stream Maker (includes FREE collectable ‘owls of the world’ and ‘dragon botherer’ cigarette cards while stocks last) …

Our best missing item from 2017: Has anyone seen our Elizabethan tape machine?

Has anyone seen our Elizabethan tape machine? We seem to have misplaced it the last time we time travelled to 1955. If you find it, please return it to our usual address at TVTA Towers, France, Earth. Thanks in advance!

The 2017 Conquering Our Ridiculous Fear Of Clowns Award

We thought we were doing great. The hypnotherapy sessions had been positive. The yoga was beneficial. We were no longer afraid to leave the office. And Wooof was off the meds. Then these two paperworks landed on our desk yesterday, and now we’re right back where we started. Gah!

The 2017 TVTA Best Fashion Statement Award: Cheese tee-shirts

The 2017 TVTA Best Unfortunately-Named Throat Pastel Award

The 2017 TVTA Best Hulk Recreation And Leisure Award

The TVTA Best Adverts Of 2017 Award

Thanks for coming to the awards! Sincere thanks to everyone who has read TVTA this past year. May 2018 be a happy and fruitful year for you and yours 🙂

Top Seven Scariest Whistles!

We’re not talking about scary whistles like this …

Pinterest.

… Or even these …

Ghoul-head whistles by Bung Art Studios.

… We’re talking about scary whistles expelled from the pursed lips of the most callous, evil, monstrous, devious, or just downright ingenious characters from film and TV.

So, whet your whistles, take a deep breath, and join us as we count down from seven to one…

SEVEN The Shadmock’s whistle. The Monster Club. 1981.

Vincent Price Priceless Advice: “Vampires sup, werewolves hunt, ghouls tear, Shaddies lick, maddies yawn, mocks blow, but shadmocks only whistle.”

SIX Billy The Kid’s whistle. Young Guns. 1988.

Don’t let that smile fool you. And if the smile turns to a whistle then you’re in serious trouble!

FIVE Yondu’s whistle. Guardians of the Galaxy. 2014.

Whistle while you work? Don’t be messing about when Yondu purses his lips. You might get arrowed. Devastating!

FOUR Negan’s whistle. The walking Dead.

Not a very tuneful whistle from everyone’s favourite baseball-wielding pyscho, but there’s no way I’m telling Negan that! And just try imitating this whistle yourself. Not as easy as you might think.

THREE Hans Beckert’s whistle. M. 1931.

The jolly classic In the Hall of the Mountain King by Grieg expelled from the lips of serial child killer Hans Beckert in Fritz Lang’s 1931 classic crime drama.

TWO Omar’s whistle. The Wire.

Chain-smoking, shotgun-toting Omar swaggers into your neigbourhood whistling nursery rhymes. Time to be very worried.

ONE Elle Driver’s whistle. Kill Bill: Volume 1. 2003.

Classic Tarantino scene of the whistling Californian Mountain Snake arriving to kill the Bride. The tune is Twisted Nerve by Bernard Herrman from the 1968 film of the same name. I’ve included the original whistle by ‘Georgie’ as well as Elle Driver’s whistle.

Pheeeeeep! There goes the full-time whistle!

Thank you for sucking in your cheeks and blowing with us 🙂

Can you think of any other scary whistlers in cinema or TV?

Ghoul-head whistle pic courtesy of Bung Art Studios

Whistling Dracula Teeth pic found on Pinterest

Halloween countdown: 2

Part 4 of 5. I am the Queen of Halloween

Art and poem by the editor

I had a dream, a wondrous dream, that I was the Queen of Halloween

Oh sweet that dream, oh sweet that dream

When I ruled all of Halloween

Went shopping for Converse, tee-hee-shirts and jeans

Got inked, had some drinks and made friends with an owl

Sang songs with the dolphins and tumbled some crystals –

A-tishoo, a-tishoo, we all fell down

On Hollywood boulevard, Halloween Town

Jump around, jump around, jump up and get down

And the skellygogs danced and the ravens preened

Jump!

And the cats read Mary Shelley out loud to their fleas

Jump!

And the poltergoosts crooned and the moonsters cheered

Jump!

And the glibgoblins giggled and the phantooms agreed

That I was the best, the best they’d seen –

The bestest Queen of Halloween

Oh sweet that dream, oh sweet that dream

When I ruled all of Halloween!


Thanks for reading and jumping along! Look out for countdown number 1 coming soon…