TVTA’s Soft Drinks Top Ten Hyper Wild Ads

Gulp! Hic! Dammit, I really enjoyed that thirst-quenching can of ice cold Coke I cracked open at work during my break the other day.

So let’s hear it for soft drinks, fizzy pop, soda… and TVTA’s Top Ten list featuring print ads from Denmark, UK, Brazil, and France…

But watch out for getting too hyper on that fizzy stuff, and dangerous animals too!

42% of wild animal attacks are caused by carbonated drink overuse. The animal kingdom and soda should never mix!


N°10 – Schwip-Schwap

Schwip Schwap. 1978. Denmark.

Let’s get high… high as a giraffe, with Danish orange-cola beverage Schwip Schwap… the sound you might actually hear as a 45 centimetre prehensile tongue slaps you around the face, if you’re ever foolish enough to get that close to a giraffe that is.


N°9 – 7 UP

7 Up. 1977. Denmark.

Staying high. A 7Up advert so psychedelic you need to consume forty litres of the stuff to imagine such a scene. Roughly translated, this Danish ad encourages us to: “Take a fresh one. It helps.” 

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Top ten toys that are freaking me out right now

Baby Face dolls. Galoob. 1992.

Hello, vintage mates. I’m nowhere near the stage of the definitions below, but lately some of my toy ads are freaking me out!

Pediophobia or “the fear of dolls” is a specific type of phobia characterized by irrational and intense fear or worry of dolls. Pediophobia is closely related to Automatonophobia.

Automatonophobia – morbid fear of ventriloquist’s dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues or any inanimate object that simulates a sentient being.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me… but am I the only one to feel disturbed by this plush bunny sitting at the edge of a pond?

Bunny Long Legs. 1983.

And how about this Dancing Sailor Doll… 100% guaranteed to pick a fight with you, even if you agree with him!

DANCING SAILOR, clockwork tinplate sailor in cloth uniform, by Lehmann, circa 1912.

Maybe it is me.

Maybe not.

Anyway, I’m not taking any chances, and neither should you!

Be warned…

Here is my top ten toy adverts that freak me out lately…

#10 – Thumbelina Dolls 

Tiny terrors. The kind of dolls you might find hiding in small boxes, your purse, or when you open the fridge – sat next to the milk and yoghurt. No!

Thumbelina dolls. 1972. Ideal.


#9 – Olivia Makeup and Hair

Decapitated heads ‘messed about with’. A future serial-killer’s ideal choice of toy?

Olivia. 1979. Raynal.


#8 – Makin’ Faces Face Paints

Evil spawn of rock band KISS, or twisted, young psychopath? You choose… I’m staying well away from this child and his box of evil!

Makin’ Faces. 1980.


#7 – Garfield Plush

A perfectly normal cartoon character rendered into the stuff of nightmares by being made into a plushie, photographed with fuzzy 1980s technology and print methods, and made to sit in a tree outdoors. Beam me up, Scotty!

Garfield. 1983.


#6 – Albert Buckner Dolls

The only way to be certain of their demise is to nuke them from outer space!

Albert Buckner dolls.


#5 – Sleep Walker Bill

No way, Bill, you’re never sleeping over at mine, ever! Book a hotel already!

Sleep Walker Bill from the Babs, Randy and Bill fashion dolls line, 1960s.


#4- World’s Famous Puppet Show

I think I need therapy after seeing this!

World’s Famous Puppet Show. 1995.


#3 – Baby Face Dolls

With cheeky names like ‘So Surprised Suzy’ and ‘So Funny Natalie’ what could go wrong? They’re so cute… so adorable… so lifelike… so help me, I’m going to have to sell a kidney to pay for a good shrink just to get me through the next week!

Baby Face Dolls. 1992.


#2 – Funny Faces

Child, quickly now, move away from that abomination of a toy before it steals your soul! Tsk. Parents, what were you thinking, buying this for your child at Christmas?!

Funny Faces. 1983.


#1 – Gorilla Suit

Gorilla suit. 1983.

I know it’s only a costume, but once you’ve draped this thing over your chair for the night after a hard day’s Tarzan cosplaying, do you really want to take the chance of it nefariously coming to life and murdering you in your sleep? Call me paranoid, but you can count me out!


Did we forget to mention… Annabelle and Chucky??

Yikes!


(shiver!)

That’s all for now, folks. Thanks for looking (over your shoulder) 🙂

Suggested power song to blog to today: “Doll Parts” by Hole.

TVTA’s top thirteen horror movie taglines

To help entice an audience to the cinema, a horror film is going to require a striking and memorable poster. Not only that, it’s going to need a killer tagline which will aim to leave potential viewers wanting to know more.

Did you know that some films have used multiple taglines? For example, our opening entry – the 1971 Vincent Price horror The Abominable Dr. Phibes had eight different taglines across its various releases. Gremlins (1984) had nine. Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960) had thirteen!

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Ten misread internet instructions that prove I am a serial killer at heart

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D. 2013. Japan.

Or so Wooof reckons… The cheeky office cat suggested I might have serial killer tendencies due to my occasional habit of misreading text, replacing innocent words with a terrifying synonym, and adding murderous instructions onto the end of online mission statements!

Pfft. Wooof’s a fine one to talk… he’s killed more than enough mice, birds, moths and garden frogs to put Ed Gein’s cat to shame, if Ed Gein ever had a cat, that is.

Dear readers, trust me when I tell you I don’t have serial killer tendencies – just poor eyesight and cheap reading glasses, and a fondness for Halloween.

Yippee!! Only 200 days to go till Halloween!

Image courtesy of days.to


You misheard it here first!

10 misread internet instructions that prove I am a serial killer at heart…

  1. eBay – Don’t forget to leave feedback for your victims.
  2. Email – You have twelve undead messages.
  3. Privacy – Your privacy is important to us, which is why we are recording you undressing.
  4. Tabs – You have multiple open stabs. Do you wish to create stab groups?
  5. Facebook – We know what you did last summer (even if you aren’t on Facebook).
  6. Blogging sites – Proudly prowled by WordPress.
  7. Virtual Assistants – You have severley disabled Alexa.
  8. Defunct Social Media – In MySpace no one can hear you scream.
  9. Twitter – Find people you know (drug them, blackmail them, kill them).
  10. YouTube – Create a personal chainsaw. Fill out the details to name your new chainsaw and verify your account.

As always, thanks for looking for innocent victims to chop up according to the voices in your head  🙂 

Top tips for being a successful blogger in an age of uncertainty


Greetings vintage mates,

If you wish to become a successful blogger in this age of uncertainty,

you will need…

#1 – a ridiculous but click-worthy title. Like the one I’ve used for today’s post. Utterly meaningless. But somewhat intriguing. I’d click on it for sure.

You will also need…

#2 – attention-grabbing pic fairly early on, as some people simply won’t be bothered to read your words, no matter how good a wordsmith you are. I already added a cool pic at the start of the post, but here’s another one to keep things fresh…

How to handle your hamster correctly.


#3 – you will also need a sense of self-deprecation. As editor of TVTA I daily suck at many things. I try to do well but often fail miserably, or spectacularly. Here I am one time in Paris, trying to look cool but in reality taking up valuable image hosting space which could be used for something far more useful. Thank goodness I don’t have a Facebook or Instagram to share this photo on!

I eat croissants. Portrait of the artist in pre-tentious moment of vintage grandeur. Mon Dieu, I love France, and it’s curious and beautiful people, and old-school postcards, and display rack anti-theft devices.


To be a successful blogger in an age of uncertainty you will also need:

#4 – a loyal and intrepid office cat. Like TVTA’s very own Wooof! 75% of stuff that gets done around here can be attributed to the cat. The other 25% is me, but only because the cat has mind-control powers which I am unable to resist – no matter how often I wear my protective blue and red lens vintage 3D glasses, or the orange and purple-striped teflon-lined woolen jersey Mrs Coldkettle the tea lady knitted me last winter.

Wooof, TVTA intrepid office cat (in secret moustache and Dicky Bow disguise kit).


#5 – a fear of clowns. This will help you to focus, stay sharp, and keep you on your blogging toes at all times!

Run like the wind!


#6 – space ships. Statistics show that 71% of successful bloggers in an age of uncertainty have access to functional spaceships.


#7 – Giant motorised fruit and vegetables. A must-have for bloggers in an age of uncertainty!


#8 – you will also need a Karma Credit Roll

What’s this?

A Karma Credit Roll, or as TVTA likes to sometimes call it The Boomerang In Your Arms Effect is quite simply the force of love. In the words of the great German thinker/Scorpions vocalist, Klaus Mein: “The more love you give, the more you’ll find.” In blogging terms this can be related to an appreciation of the works of your fellow bloggers to gain an appreciation of your own work, while at the same time creating an enriching environment for all.


#9 – you’re also gonna need a stack of vintage adverts, magazines and comics! (if that’s your thing). Luckily Wooof and I have a few thousand of these scattered around the place…


#10 – and lastly, to be a successful blogger in an age of uncertainty, you will need to post a Top-Ten list of something you think is cool, even if it’s been done before, or it’s not cool, or it doesn’t make any sense – you absolutely must (by internet law) make a Top-Ten list of something… which is exactly what I’ve done with this post 🙂

Now, sit back, soak up all those likes, comments, reblogs, and endorsements from major corporations and Hollywood stars. You’ve earned it baby!

Suggested power song to blog to today: “The Best” by Tina Turner.

As always, thanks for looking 🙂

This post was brought to you by office cat disguise kits and top ten lists of top ten things to top ten list about when you generally avoid top ten things. No hamsters, fruit or vegetables were handled incorrectly in this production. All images courtesy of French comic/magazine Pif Gadget