Tag Archives: nonsense

Predictive text – it’s no picnic

‘Why are you looking so perplexed?’ Wooof asked me this morning during my third cup of coffee.

‘It’s that predictive text thingy,’ I said.

‘Oh?’

‘Well, it never works. For example, I’ve been researching for a big writing piece I’m working on. I tried to enter into my search engine: “Public Inquiries of the Twentieth Century” … and do you know what it predicted?’

‘What?’

‘”Picnic Injuries of the Twentieth Century”, that’s what!’

‘Ha-ha,’ laughed the cat. ‘I suppose that might involve trapped fingers inside hampers, wasp stings, napkin cuts, champagne corks in the eye.’

‘It’s pretty serious stuff when you look into it. Perhaps we ought to warn our readers?’

‘We should,’ agreed the cat. ‘Summer’s only around the corner. Soon there’ll be chequered blankets and condiments everywhere! How are we to keep the good folk of Vintage-land safe?’

‘By launching our very own public service picnic ad campaign!’ I said.

‘Are you serious?’

‘Sometimes.’

‘Alright,’ said the cat. ‘Let’s do it!’


INTRODUCING 

TVTA’s Summertime Safe Picnic Initiative is proudly sponsored by Badgerworth’s Wasp-catcher Kettles and Foxes & Fangles Mind That Bear Exploding Monkeys.



Ask The Family! 

We asked 1960’s Tammy’s family for their top Dos and Don’ts when it comes to enjoying a safe picnic in style.


The right look, the safe look!

Tammy: “It’s important for me to look my best at all times. But when it comes to picnics… skiing, roller skates and archery are huge no-go areas. Don’t be tempted by the latest fads or what your friends might say. It’s just not worth the risk!”

 

Below: Good show Tammy, that’s the safe way to picnic and you still look stylish!


Don’t be a square, daddy-o!

Ted and Dad are taking big risks by wearing such formal and warm attire to the picnic. 27% of picnic fatalities are caused by heat exposure and the rapid onset of mindless delirium. In severe cases the over-heated picnicker may resort to heinous criminal activity. 

Below: That’s better lads!


Stay cool, but never be underdressed!

Blimey Mom, watch out for your skin! More than 32% of picnic fatalities are caused by deadly insects attracted to human flesh. In addition, serious sunburn injuries can occur within just minutes of exposing bare arms and legs on the picnic blanket. Don’t risk it. Cover up sensibly. Mom looks great for a woman her age, let’s keep her that way!


Keep an eye on children at all times!

More than 47% of picnic fatalities arise from children being taken offsite by wild bears, mountain lions, Komodo dragons and in rare cases sharks.

Be seen!

Tammy’s younger sister Pepper says: “When I was very young I had to stay at home during family picnics. Understandable. The risk was too great. Now I’m older I wear the latest, brightest and fashionable clothing so that my family can easily spot me. Bright colours can also act as a deterrent to killer animals. Don’t forget to accessorise with glitter and jewellery to make you really stand out! Visibility coupled with style is key. How else will your family be able to find you as wild creatures drag you screaming into the woods by your bleeding hair follicles and…  

… alright Pepper that’s enough, we get the idea. Stop freaking us out! 

Picnic on dudes!

So dear reader, this summer, be safe, be seen, be stylish, and most importantly enjoy your picnic adventures!

 


Editor’s note: If you would like to find out more about Tammy’s family then please take a look at our excellent Tammy catalogue pages here

And Wooof, please change the site logo back to how it was!

TVTA means…

2017 in review. Bolt by bolt.

Wooof and I like to celebrate our small achievements here at TVTA. In 2017 we gained more than 2.5 million followers, 2 billion likes, received numerous nominations such as the Lobster Award, the Good Morning I’m Hungry Award, the Time Travelling Companions of Gannow Award, the Friendly Blogger Looking to Borrow A Few Bucks Award, the Sunshine And Scattered Showers Award, and we were also Freshly Parsed 42 times!

Why, that’s enough achievements to be able to view the Great Wall of China from space with a pair of 1980s dinosaur explorer toy binoculars, cold enough to freeze penguins to a lampost, and loud enough to distract excitable puppies when used in conjunction with a sonic dog whistle and My Little Kitty glove puppet!

So what does it all mean, this TVTA thing? And do we have adverts for it?

Well, a quick browse on the interweb reveals that TVTA actually means… Threat and Vulnerablity Testing and Assessment

TVTA also means… Thermal Vacuum Test Article

and TVTA also means … Technical and Vocational Training Act

and Triple Vaginal Triple Anal … WOAH! Stop right there Wooof!

Where the heck did that one come from?

This is a family-friendly blog showcasing vintage toys!

Suffice to say, there is no mention of our humble blog anywhere in acronym land, so Wooof has been frantically retro-adding TVTA to the tags of all our old posts like a cat out of hell!

Go Wooof, you fantastic cat you!

And now, the TVTA 2017 awards sponsored by Stephen Spookberg’s Speak and Spell Time Machine Soda-Stream Maker (includes FREE collectable ‘owls of the world’ and ‘dragon botherer’ cigarette cards while stocks last) …

Our best missing item from 2017: Has anyone seen our Elizabethan tape machine?

Has anyone seen our Elizabethan tape machine? We seem to have misplaced it the last time we time travelled to 1955. If you find it, please return it to our usual address at TVTA Towers, France, Earth. Thanks in advance!

The 2017 Conquering Our Ridiculous Fear Of Clowns Award

We thought we were doing great. The hypnotherapy sessions had been positive. The yoga was beneficial. We were no longer afraid to leave the office. And Wooof was off the meds. Then these two paperworks landed on our desk yesterday, and now we’re right back where we started. Gah!

The 2017 TVTA Best Fashion Statement Award: Cheese tee-shirts

The 2017 TVTA Best Unfortunately-Named Throat Pastel Award

The 2017 TVTA Best Hulk Recreation And Leisure Award

The TVTA Best Adverts Of 2017 Award

Thanks for coming to the awards! Sincere thanks to everyone who has read TVTA this past year. May 2018 be a happy and fruitful year for you and yours 🙂

Ron Wing to rule them all

US. Creepy Mag. 1980.

Wooof just came flying into the scanning room in a state of panic.

“What’s the trouble?” I said.

“I accidently messed up the settings on our new time machine,” replied the cat. “We have less than six minutes before time splits into two, erases our recent posts, and the bailiffs come to take our scanner! In addition to this, we’ll be talking in spoonerisms and nonsense.”

“Bloody hell Wooof,” I said. “We already talk enough nonsense at The Vintage Toy Advertiser as it is. And may I remind you, the last time this happened we ended up crashing into the darkside of Planet Jupiter!”

“Stop moaning,” said the cat. “And post up the ads!”

INSERT TIME TRAVEL NOISE HERE: Whooooooooshhhhhhhh…

(six minutes later)

Wooof just came skying into the flanning room in a plate of static.

“Trots the wubble?” I said.

“I maccidently assed up the settings on our new wine machine,” replied the cat. “We have less than six biscuits before time tits into sploo, erases our decent roasts, and the bailiffs come to bake our spanner! In addition to this, we’ll be talking in noonerisms and sponsense.”

“Hoody bell Wooof!” I said. “We already talk enough nonsense at The Toasted Sandwich Advertiser as it is. And ray I me-mind you, the last time this happened we ended up crashing into the backside of Janet Plutiter!”

“Mop stoning,” said the cat. “And toast up the pads!”


TVTA is proud to present a tantalising mixed-up time treat of inflatable bunnies, scarecrows, rollerskates, kangaRoos, monsters and spooks, and more inflatables!

Playmates Bunnies. Ideal Toys catalogue. 1972. UK.


Scarecrow Target Set. Ideal Toys catalogue. 1972. UK.


Lundi rollerskates. Denmark. 1980.


Pop Wheels. Italy. Topolino. 1978.


Gioca rollerskates. Topolono. Italy. 1978


KangaRoos. Denmark.


KangaRoos. Denmark.


Monsters and Spooks model kits. Airfix catalogue. 1984. UK.


Slim Jim. Jonah Hex. 1978. US.


US. 1976.


US. 1976.


Feel the love or feel the pain? Elastic Man and Elastic Monstre get stretchy. France. 1978.


Playmate’s Disney characters. Ideal Toys catalogue. 1972. UK.


Tom and Jerry Playmates inflatables. UK. Ideal catalogue. 1972.

Non-toy ad Tuesday: office cats and the munchies

“Be careful of what you put into your mouth.”

Interplanetary Federation Supermarket Customer Advice Proverb.

A TVTA Food, Drink and Snack special report!

Most office cats are content to work the bare minimum – catch mice, make tea, answer the phone, that type of thing. Not so Wooof… TVTA’s faithful feline has just spent the past three weeks down in the archives searching for vintage adverts and other retro paperwork goodies!

Any luck? I asked him as he emerged from the basement dressed in dust, cobwebs and, bizarrely, a 1980 R2-D2 Thermal Underoos set.

Yes, replied the cat, I have enough ads to keep us busy the whole of the summer. He showed me the tartan suitcase which he had lugged up the stairs. I opened it. It was full of vintage adverts. Excellent.

There are no clown adverts are there? I asked him.

Goodness, no, replied the cat.

Only, the last time we made a Non-toy ad Tuesday post, I seem to recall some very disturbing images of clowns and other odd stuff.

Don’t worry, said Wooof. It’s completely clown-free. I’ve checked. There’s nothing odd at all. Just perfectly normal food, drink and snack adverts.

You’re not lying?

I’m not lying. Now get scanning. We’ve deadlines to meet!

Righto, I replied.

——  ——  ——  ——   ——   ——

Cue sounds of scanner…

 

sounds like…

 

Stur stur smag!

 

Stur stur smag!

 

Stur stur smag!

 

 

Denmark. 1983.


In other disturbing news,

TV Cereal Killer caught on film.

Denmark. 1988.


Salty Spunk liquorice lozenges hit the streets…

Denmark. 1977.


Victory V. Suck it and see.

UK. Running. 1986.


Superman action strip colouring contest with Trebor chews.

UK. Star Wars Weekly. 1979.


Snit dig en Cool burger!

Denmark. 1984.


Philips kitchenware 1980s style!

UK. Mobil Gifts Catalogue. 1986.


Frisk! Stimorol chewing gum.

Denmark. Anders And & Co. 1986.

Frisk! 80s!

Denmark. 1984.


M&M’s. The milk chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hands.

US. X Factor, 1987.

US. Legion of Superheroes. 1984.


Tonimalt. French malt drink favourite with Ulysse 31 (Ulysses 31) promotion.

France. Journal de Mickey. 1983.


Another gloriously nonsensical Hostess Superhero ad! This one’s going straight into the collection Hostess Superhero ads

US. 1976.


Weetabix

UK. Prima. 1987.


Tom and Jerry get licked!

Denmark. 1983.


So eighties!

Denmark. 1988.


Soft drinks galore!

1. Fanta. Denmark. 1978.

Fast forward a couple of decades later…

Absolutely Fabulous. BBC.co.uk/abfab.


2. 7UP. Denmark. 1977.

3. Coke. UK. 1979.

4. Pepsi-Cola. Denmark. 1978.

And finally, we end this post with a giraffe. It’s not often we can say that. Or this…

5. Schwip Schwap!


If you are interested in learning more about food, drink and snacks then why not visit your local supermarket where many examples can be viewed free by the public. Don’t forget to take along your pencils and a sketch pad in case you wish to make notes and illustrations for your school project. Or why not ask the supermarket manager if you can snap a few photographs! He or she will only be too happy to oblige and may even throw in a few treats for you to take home to your parents. This post has been brought to you by TVTA and the Interplanetary Federation Supermarket Customer Advice Bureau. Best before Feb 2223. This is a free-range post and no animals were harmed. Just Ewoks. Recycle the carton when finished. Enjoy responsibly.