‘Why are you looking so perplexed?’ Wooof asked me this morning during my third cup of coffee.
‘It’s that predictive text thingy,’ I said.
‘Well, it never works. For example, I’ve been researching for a big writing piece I’m working on. I tried to enter into my search engine: “Public Inquiries of the Twentieth Century” … and do you know what it predicted?’
‘”Picnic Injuries of the Twentieth Century”, that’s what!’
‘Ha-ha,’ laughed the cat. ‘I suppose that might involve trapped fingers inside hampers, wasp stings, napkin cuts, champagne corks in the eye.’
‘It’s pretty serious stuff when you look into it. Perhaps we ought to warn our readers?’
‘We should,’ agreed the cat. ‘Summer’s only around the corner. Soon there’ll be chequered blankets and condiments everywhere! How are we to keep the good folk of Vintage-land safe?’
‘By launching our very own public service picnic ad campaign!’ I said.
‘Are you serious?’
‘Alright,’ said the cat. ‘Let’s do it!’
TVTA’s Summertime Safe Picnic Initiative is proudly sponsored by Badgerworth’s Wasp-catcher Kettles and Foxes & Fangles Mind That Bear Exploding Monkeys.
Ask The Family!
We asked 1960’s Tammy’s family for their top Dos and Don’ts when it comes to enjoying a safe picnic in style.
The right look, the safe look!
Tammy: “It’s important for me to look my best at all times. But when it comes to picnics… skiing, roller skates and archery are huge no-go areas. Don’t be tempted by the latest fads or what your friends might say. It’s just not worth the risk!”
Below: Good show Tammy, that’s the safe way to picnic and you still look stylish!
Don’t be a square, daddy-o!
Ted and Dad are taking big risks by wearing such formal and warm attire to the picnic. 27% of picnic fatalities are caused by heat exposure and the rapid onset of mindless delirium. In severe cases the over-heated picnicker may resort to heinous criminal activity.
Below: That’s better lads!
Stay cool, but never be underdressed!
Blimey Mom, watch out for your skin! More than 32% of picnic fatalities are caused by deadly insects attracted to human flesh. In addition, serious sunburn injuries can occur within just minutes of exposing bare arms and legs on the picnic blanket. Don’t risk it. Cover up sensibly. Mom looks great for a woman her age, let’s keep her that way!
Keep an eye on children at all times!
More than 47% of picnic fatalities arise from children being taken offsite by wild bears, mountain lions, Komodo dragons and in rare cases sharks.
Tammy’s younger sister Pepper says: “When I was very young I had to stay at home during family picnics. Understandable. The risk was too great. Now I’m older I wear the latest, brightest and fashionable clothing so that my family can easily spot me. Bright colours can also act as a deterrent to killer animals. Don’t forget to accessorise with glitter and jewellery to make you really stand out! Visibility coupled with style is key. How else will your family be able to find you as
wild creatures drag you screaming into the woods by your bleeding hair follicles and…
… alright Pepper that’s enough, we get the idea. Stop freaking us out!
Picnic on dudes!
So dear reader, this summer, be safe, be seen, be stylish, and most importantly enjoy your picnic adventures!
Editor’s note: If you would like to find out more about Tammy’s family then please take a look at our excellent Tammy catalogue pages here
And Wooof, please change the site logo back to how it was!