Category Archives: WORDS

You guys kick ass!

Kick-Ass 2. SFX Magazine. 2013.

I usually don’t bother too much about WP awards or achievements, but yesterday was really cool because I received two messages from our platform overlords – one for receiving 1K worth of likes and the other to say “happy anniversary” (11th April 2011 was the date I registered here).

So, here’s a quick thanks to all you folk who take time out to read and look at my posts. Thank you kindly for your likes, comments and support, which help me to keep on doing what I’m doing and makes me feel like I’m part of a really cool family.

 

 

Space cats and space editors: it’s a space-race chase fast getaway 555 Gauloises muscleman spaceman Non-toy ad Tuesday nonsensical vintage space trip with TVTA!

Ha, and it’s not even Tuesday!! But allow me to tell you how it all began…

It all began with Wooof wanting one of those Bunny ice creams. You know, those crazy-looking popsicles from 1983 France…

pifg-741-1983-bunny-glaces-miko-post

So I was about to take Wooof to the local ice cream parlour for a Bunny when we were hoodwinked into purchasing a Rotaplane … well the advert did say “the sky’s the limit” … but how they lied, those cunning vintage advertisers! Because the sky wasn’t the limit at all, and soon Wooof and I were travelling into the far reaches of the galaxy!

“But I only wanted a Bunny ice cream!” cried Wooof.

“Sorry, old cat,” I replied, “Looks like we have no choice now but to ride this Rotaplane spaceship to the stars and back.”

rotaplane-swweekly-1978-uk

Light-hours passed, when suddenly Wooof and I were mistakenly mistaken by mistake for intergalactic crimelord crooks Melostar and Moco… Grrrr, Wooof looks nothing like a monkey, and no way is my hair that shocking pink colour. It’s actually green.

moco-et-melostar

Dammit, it was time for a cigarette… mild but not meek, at times like this, only a 555 will do!

555-cigarettes-uk-film-review-july-1979

No, actually, give us something classier… something with a cool ad campaign… like a car looking like it’s driving down from space…  how about Gauloises?

matal-hurlant-70-noel-special-1981-gauloises-post

But wait, we don’t even smoke!

Me: I think wooof does smoke actually.

Wooof: He smokes too.

Okay, it must have been all that space dust messing about with our minds, because before we knew it inter-planetary iron bar-bending, pec-popping superstar muscleman Charles Atlas was trying to sell us one of his expensive vintage protein-powered buttock-clenching illustrated books. Impressed by his statement “Let me prove I can make you a new man” we broke out our wallets and purses and handed over our remaining bucks.

charles-atlas-ghostly-haunts-1976-us

Then Wooof made an interesting point, followed by a demand for a full refund: “What about proving you can make me a new cat?” he asked Charles Atlas.

“Hey, Charles,” said I,  “Wooof is right, you can’t make a man out of a cat. And if you can’t, then you ain’t making a man out of me!”

It was at this point that Charles began to lose his temper, and Wooof and I knew we were in for a fight. So we left Charles (in a bloody, beaten mess on the floor – ha, not really , we absolutely ran for our freakin’ lives!) and we boarded our Rotaplane spaceship as fast as we could and sped away!

We were then intercepted by a school space bus full of 1980s-type alien children playing with 1980s-type alien toys. The kids insisted that we took a photo of them to show to the people back home on Earth what 1980s space children looked like. So we did. Here is the photo. Enjoy.

pif-716_-group-toy-shot_1982-post

“Greetings children of planet Earth. In space it is Christmas everyday!”

Soon, Wooof and I were hurtling through the deep vintage outer limits of space, navigating the deadly Rubik’s Cube black hole and the Treehouse Family asteroid belt. It wasn’t long before we encountered Galaxy Rangers trying to flog us some Tang from 1978. Hey, move aside Captain, we’re on a mission and we don’t need no Tang…

galaxy-rangers-pifg-1988

Then we met Flash Gordon and some of his friends. Flash wasn’t trying to sell us Tang, he was just showing off on the cover of a 1980 issue of French comic magazine Pif Gadget.

pif-gadget-612-1980-flash-gordon-cover-post

However, Ming the Merciless was showing off – Ming was selling a case of bootleg cassettes of Wooof’s favourite band Duran Duran. So we bought the lot with some cash we found stuffed down the back of the sofa on the Rotaplane – knowing full well we could more than double our money by re-selling them on the durrrty rimm side of Betelgeuse to Simon Le-Bon fans. Don’t worry, Wooof, you get to keep a copy for yourself and spend the money on as many Bunny ice creams as you like! (cue one happy cat).

Ha, looks like Wooof found inspiration too!

Wooof in Flash Gordon costume being all happy coz he gets to keep one bootleg Duran Duran tape and sell all the others to buy ice cream.

Sadly, Wooof and I never did get chance to flog our magnetic tapes at Betelgeuse. For reasons completely unknown to us, we found ourselves hurtling, inexplicably, back to planet Earth… and our Rotaplane – which frankly was shit but by this time we had actually grown to love, had mysteriously changed into an Atari 2600 spaceship with Wooof and I strapped inside while all around us – in space – the most amazing trippy things were going on, like tennis and the stabbing of large reptiles and Formula 1.

atari-2600-pifg-1988-post

Finally, we arrived back on planet Earth… Phew! What a trip. And when we looked at the calendar in the office six years had passed!

“Crikey,” said Wooof. “The public library cops are going to throw away the keys this time! Wooof was right – our library books were already fifteen years overdue as it was! Both the cat and I were exceptionally tardy when it came to returning books. “What will we do?” said Wooof.

“I think we’d better make a fast getaway,” I said.

“Not back into space!” moaned Wooof.

“Goodness no,” said I, “let’s go to Monte Carlo instead!” Outside, I had spotted a vintage advert showing fast cars and fast shoes. Pirelli Pitstops! “Come on, Wooof. let’s go! Last one to Monaco is a squashed space tomato!”

pirelli-pit-stops-eagle-1983

The End

Brought to you by TVTA Non-toy ad Tuesday nonsensical vintage productions and Rotaplane space travel. Thank you for flying with us. Have a safe and pleasant journey.

The legend of black Wampa

Black Wampa… urban myth or reality? Only you can decide as TVTA takes you on a journey tracing the origins and adventures of this infamous toy in our special report.


1. Of the Unicorn. Woodcut illustration from the book The History of four-footed Beasts and Serpents by Edward Topsell. 2. Black Wampa by TVTA. 3. Hoaxed photo of Loch Ness Monster. 4. Patterson–Gimlin film frame N°352 of Bigfoot. 5. Ivan Bilibin, 065, Zmey Gorynych, the Russian three-headed dragon. 6. E.T.

1. Of the Unicorn. Woodcut illustration from the book The History of four-footed Beasts and Serpents by Edward Topsell. 2. Black Wampa by Artoo-Detour. 3. Hoaxed photo of Loch Ness Monster. 4. Patterson–Gimlin film frame N°352 of Bigfoot. 5. Ivan Bilibin, 065, Zmey Gorynych, the Russian three-headed dragon. 6. E.T.




bw5

Is this a Lili Ledy black Wampa or a cruel hoax?

Black Wampa

The black Wampa (‘Wampa Oscuro’) has been the subject of much debate over the years as to its authenticity as a genuine Star Wars toy produced by the Mexican toy company Lili Ledy.

Forum tomfoolery?

Sources cite that it all began back in early 1980 just before the film release of The Empire Strikes Back, when a failed communication directive between Lili Ledy and Lucas Film Ltd led to the birth of the black Wampa.

Doctor Dengar's TIG guides gave us our first glimpse of the elusive black Wampa VS its Kenner brother.

Doctor Dengar’s superb TIG guides gave us our first glimpse of the elusive black Wampa VS its Kenner brother.

Other sources cite the 1983 ‘Mas crédulous fan de la Guerra de las Galaxias’ competition held by Lili Ledy to win one of ten black Wampas specially produced to coincide with the film release of Return of the Jedi.

Were you one of the ten lucky winners?

Were you one of the ten lucky winners? Mr Tree-Ent’s wonderful limelight holds some unexpected surprises!


So, facts? Or simply evil plots hatched by Star Wars internet forum geeks to fool the collecting community into believing in the existence of black Wampas?

What if TVTA was to tell you that we have been given a translated transcript of a completely unverifiable but exclusive 18 second interview recorded on a dictaphone in 1983 with a Lili Ledy mailing department employee who managed to talk briefly about the mail-away exclusive before being tragically shot dead by what we can only imagine as a sniper on a roof ?

tvta-transcript-llbw

Pretty chilling eh? But, maybe this is just another example of an elaborate hoax fuelled by elements from the dark side of vintage toy collecting. You thought scammers were bad enough, right? Repro-makers, shill bidders and back-doorers? Surely nothing in the history of Star Wars collecting will ever compare to being shafted by an imaginary toy… if indeed this turns out to be the case! For now, TVTA cannot say for certain if the black Wampa exists or not. Like you, we can only look at the evidence available in the darkest corners of vintage Star Wars collecting forums, and try to pick out the facts from fiction.


It’s on the cover of a licensed book!!!

Proof at last? No, this beast is only related to the Wampa family, and is in fact a Trompa.

Proof at last? No, this beast is only related to the Wampa family, and is in fact a Trompa. Look it up. It’s real. But is anything ever real?

Black Wampa ate my Lili Ledy Han Bespin…

LL Han Bespin prepare to meet your shaker-maker.

Lili Ledy Han Bespin, prepare to meet your shaker-maker!


Video killed the radio star!

BW: I just can't seem to get this damn TV set to work!

Black Wampa: “I just can’t get this damn TV set to work!” Power Droid: “Put me down, or else I’ll tune into the Holiday Special!”


A design for life

A design for life.

Danger. Have you seen this black Wampa design aimed at the clothing market? Do not approach. Keep Tauntauns and young Jedis safely indoors.


Waiter, there’s a black Wampa in my soup!

Here are 10 facts / fictions about black Wampa. Award yourself 4 points for a correct answer; deduct 2 points for an incorrect answer; do not collect £200 (unless you’re selling a relatively hard-to-find loose variation of a figure which under normal circumstances would cost £35 tops, but in today’s FBooky-driven BS market makes you want to puke because it has gone right through the roof; miss one turn if an old man performs a jedi mind trick on you; and finally, for 3 points – make the opponent on your left perform an impression of Chewbacca.

  1. Black Wampa has appeared in a published Lili Ledy reference book – so he must be real, right?
  2. Black Wampa has been spotted in many vintage-looking photos on the interweb.
  3. A black Wampa can be briefly seen in the distance behind Luke as Luke grapples up an AT-AT in The Empire Strikes Back.
  4. Black Wampa is rumoured to be George Lucas’ favouite Star Wars toy.
  5. The black Wampa paint spray masks were found in a wheelie-bin on the car park and site where Richard III’s bones were discovered in Leicester.
  6. The black Wampa paint spray masks were found on the car park of the Walkers Crisps factory in Leicester.
  7. The black Wampa paint spray masks were found on the car park of a Doritos Crisps factory in Mexico.
  8. Music star Rick Springfield owns 3 black Wampas!
  9. In Sofia Coppola’s 2006 film Marie Antoinette, a black Wampa figure is partially hidden under a pair of Converse sneakers.
  10. Bonus COO question! (award yourself 100 points). The correct Country Of Origin mark for the Lili Ledy black Wampa is: (a) family IIIa, second cousin, twice removed, 29g, deep scar, Vader factory. Or (b) family IIc, father-in-law, 42c, very messy scar, Made In Honduras.

Answers next week!! Good luck!


So…

Black Wampa: a true Mexican toy or a monstrous myth? A Lili Ledy legend or a rock-solid reality? Only you can decide. The truth is out there, partially frozen in the wastelands of Hoth, covered in pizza sauce and Tauntaun entrails. May the force be with you. Graarrk! (Always let the Wookie have the last word).


discoclaimer: TVTA has done it's best to seek accurate info and cannot be held responsible for anything. If you know of any black Wampas please report them to your local collecting community group. No Tauntauns were harmed in the making of this special report.

Quit those midnight snacks with TVTA’s new amazing Polar-Bear-in-a-Fridge!

Tired? Constantly hungry? Are you fed up of those late-night trips downstairs to the fridge to satisfy your hunger pangs?

Then choose TVTA’s new amazing Polar-Bear-in-a-Fridge! !!! You’ll never go near your appliance again !!! Lose weight fast !!! See pounds literally fall from your body as you are chased back upstairs !!! Forget about hunger instantly with your own personalised angry polar bear !!! Only at TVTA!

polar-bear-in-fridge-the-13th-flr-eagle-1985

Thanks to: The Thirteenth Floor.