Category Archives: WORDS

TVTA means…

2017 in review. Bolt by bolt.

Wooof and I like to celebrate our small achievements here at TVTA. In 2017 we gained more than 2.5 million followers, 2 billion likes, received numerous nominations such as the Lobster Award, the Good Morning I’m Hungry Award, the Time Travelling Companions of Gannow Award, the Friendly Blogger Looking to Borrow A Few Bucks Award, the Sunshine And Scattered Showers Award, and we were also Freshly Parsed 42 times!

Why, that’s enough achievements to be able to view the Great Wall of China from space with a pair of 1980s dinosaur explorer toy binoculars, cold enough to freeze penguins to a lampost, and loud enough to distract excitable puppies when used in conjunction with a sonic dog whistle and My Little Kitty glove puppet!

So what does it all mean, this TVTA thing? And do we have adverts for it?

Well, a quick browse on the interweb reveals that TVTA actually means… Threat and Vulnerablity Testing and Assessment

TVTA also means… Thermal Vacuum Test Article

and TVTA also means … Technical and Vocational Training Act

and Triple Vaginal Triple Anal … WOAH! Stop right there Wooof!

Where the heck did that one come from?

This is a family-friendly blog showcasing vintage toys!

Suffice to say, there is no mention of our humble blog anywhere in acronym land, so Wooof has been frantically retro-adding TVTA to the tags of all our old posts like a cat out of hell!

Go Wooof, you fantastic cat you!

And now, the TVTA 2017 awards sponsored by Stephen Spookberg’s Speak and Spell Time Machine Soda-Stream Maker (includes FREE collectable ‘owls of the world’ and ‘dragon botherer’ cigarette cards while stocks last) …

Our best missing item from 2017: Has anyone seen our Elizabethan tape machine?

Has anyone seen our Elizabethan tape machine? We seem to have misplaced it the last time we time travelled to 1955. If you find it, please return it to our usual address at TVTA Towers, France, Earth. Thanks in advance!

The 2017 Conquering Our Ridiculous Fear Of Clowns Award

We thought we were doing great. The hypnotherapy sessions had been positive. The yoga was beneficial. We were no longer afraid to leave the office. And Wooof was off the meds. Then these two paperworks landed on our desk yesterday, and now we’re right back where we started. Gah!

The 2017 TVTA Best Fashion Statement Award: Cheese tee-shirts

The 2017 TVTA Best Unfortunately-Named Throat Pastel Award

The 2017 TVTA Best Hulk Recreation And Leisure Award

The TVTA Best Adverts Of 2017 Award

Thanks for coming to the awards! Sincere thanks to everyone who has read TVTA this past year. May 2018 be a happy and fruitful year for you and yours 🙂

Top Seven Scariest Whistles!

We’re not talking about scary whistles like this …

Pinterest.

… Or even these …

Ghoul-head whistles by Bung Art Studios.

… We’re talking about scary whistles expelled from the pursed lips of the most callous, evil, monstrous, devious, or just downright ingenious characters from film and TV.

So, whet your whistles, take a deep breath, and join us as we count down from seven to one…

SEVEN The Shadmock’s whistle. The Monster Club. 1981.

Vincent Price Priceless Advice: “Vampires sup, werewolves hunt, ghouls tear, Shaddies lick, maddies yawn, mocks blow, but shadmocks only whistle.”

SIX Billy The Kid’s whistle. Young Guns. 1988.

Don’t let that smile fool you. And if the smile turns to a whistle then you’re in serious trouble!

FIVE Yondu’s whistle. Guardians of the Galaxy. 2014.

Whistle while you work? Don’t be messing about when Yondu purses his lips. You might get arrowed. Devastating!

FOUR Negan’s whistle. The walking Dead.

Not a very tuneful whistle from everyone’s favourite baseball-wielding pyscho, but there’s no way I’m telling Negan that! And just try imitating this whistle yourself. Not as easy as you might think.

THREE Hans Beckert’s whistle. M. 1931.

The jolly classic In the Hall of the Mountain King by Grieg expelled from the lips of serial child killer Hans Beckert in Fritz Lang’s 1931 classic crime drama.

TWO Omar’s whistle. The Wire.

Chain-smoking, shotgun-toting Omar swaggers into your neigbourhood whistling nursery rhymes. Time to be very worried.

ONE Elle Driver’s whistle. Kill Bill: Volume 1. 2003.

Classic Tarantino scene of the whistling Californian Mountain Snake arriving to kill the Bride. The tune is Twisted Nerve by Bernard Herrman from the 1968 film of the same name. I’ve included the original whistle by ‘Georgie’ as well as Elle Driver’s whistle.

Pheeeeeep! There goes the full-time whistle!

Thank you for sucking in your cheeks and blowing with us 🙂

Can you think of any other scary whistlers in cinema or TV?

Ghoul-head whistle pic courtesy of Bung Art Studios

Whistling Dracula Teeth pic found on Pinterest

Halloween countdown: 2

Part 4 of 5. I am the Queen of Halloween

Art and poem by the editor

I had a dream, a wondrous dream, that I was the Queen of Halloween

Oh sweet that dream, oh sweet that dream

When I ruled all of Halloween

Went shopping for Converse, tee-hee-shirts and jeans

Got inked, had some drinks and made friends with an owl

Sang songs with the dolphins and tumbled some crystals –

A-tishoo, a-tishoo, we all fell down

On Hollywood boulevard, Halloween Town

Jump around, jump around, jump up and get down

And the skellygogs danced and the ravens preened

Jump!

And the cats read Mary Shelley out loud to their fleas

Jump!

And the poltergoosts crooned and the moonsters cheered

Jump!

And the glibgoblins giggled and the phantooms agreed

That I was the best, the best they’d seen –

The bestest Queen of Halloween

Oh sweet that dream, oh sweet that dream

When I ruled all of Halloween!


Thanks for reading and jumping along! Look out for countdown number 1 coming soon…

Chapter 29

“Write drunk, edit sober.” Ernest Hemingway.

Of course, many believe that Hemingway never actually said this. It’s more likely that he wouldn’t let anything interfere with his writing, and that includes a hangover. But in the spirit of romance, we surf on those words.

A votre santé!



Ron Wing to rule them all

US. Creepy Mag. 1980.

Wooof just came flying into the scanning room in a state of panic.

“What’s the trouble?” I said.

“I accidently messed up the settings on our new time machine,” replied the cat. “We have less than six minutes before time splits into two, erases our recent posts, and the bailiffs come to take our scanner! In addition to this, we’ll be talking in spoonerisms and nonsense.”

“Bloody hell Wooof,” I said. “We already talk enough nonsense at The Vintage Toy Advertiser as it is. And may I remind you, the last time this happened we ended up crashing into the darkside of Planet Jupiter!”

“Stop moaning,” said the cat. “And post up the ads!”

INSERT TIME TRAVEL NOISE HERE: Whooooooooshhhhhhhh…

(six minutes later)

Wooof just came skying into the flanning room in a plate of static.

“Trots the wubble?” I said.

“I maccidently assed up the settings on our new wine machine,” replied the cat. “We have less than six biscuits before time tits into sploo, erases our decent roasts, and the bailiffs come to bake our spanner! In addition to this, we’ll be talking in noonerisms and sponsense.”

“Hoody bell Wooof!” I said. “We already talk enough nonsense at The Toasted Sandwich Advertiser as it is. And ray I me-mind you, the last time this happened we ended up crashing into the backside of Janet Plutiter!”

“Mop stoning,” said the cat. “And toast up the pads!”


TVTA is proud to present a tantalising mixed-up time treat of inflatable bunnies, scarecrows, rollerskates, kangaRoos, monsters and spooks, and more inflatables!

Playmates Bunnies. Ideal Toys catalogue. 1972. UK.


Scarecrow Target Set. Ideal Toys catalogue. 1972. UK.


Lundi rollerskates. Denmark. 1980.


Pop Wheels. Italy. Topolino. 1978.


Gioca rollerskates. Topolono. Italy. 1978


KangaRoos. Denmark.


KangaRoos. Denmark.


Monsters and Spooks model kits. Airfix catalogue. 1984. UK.


Slim Jim. Jonah Hex. 1978. US.


US. 1976.


US. 1976.


Feel the love or feel the pain? Elastic Man and Elastic Monstre get stretchy. France. 1978.


Playmate’s Disney characters. Ideal Toys catalogue. 1972. UK.


Tom and Jerry Playmates inflatables. UK. Ideal catalogue. 1972.