Category Archives: WORDS

Halloween countdown: 2

Part 4 of 5. I am the Queen of Halloween

Art and poem by the editor

I had a dream, a wondrous dream, that I was the Queen of Halloween

Oh sweet that dream, oh sweet that dream

When I ruled all of Halloween

Went shopping for Converse, tee-hee-shirts and jeans

Got inked, had some drinks and made friends with an owl

Sang songs with the dolphins and tumbled some crystals –

A-tishoo, a-tishoo, we all fell down

On Hollywood boulevard, Halloween Town

Jump around, jump around, jump up and get down

And the skellygogs danced and the ravens preened

Jump!

And the cats read Mary Shelley out loud to their fleas

Jump!

And the poltergoosts crooned and the moonsters cheered

Jump!

And the glibgoblins giggled and the phantooms agreed

That I was the best, the best they’d seen –

The bestest Queen of Halloween

Oh sweet that dream, oh sweet that dream

When I ruled all of Halloween!


Thanks for reading and jumping along! Look out for countdown number 1 coming soon…

Chapter 29

“Write drunk, edit sober.” Ernest Hemingway.

Of course, many believe that Hemingway never actually said this. It’s more likely that he wouldn’t let anything interfere with his writing, and that includes a hangover. But in the spirit of romance, we surf on those words.

A votre santé!



Ron Wing to rule them all

US. Creepy Mag. 1980.

Wooof just came flying into the scanning room in a state of panic.

“What’s the trouble?” I said.

“I accidently messed up the settings on our new time machine,” replied the cat. “We have less than six minutes before time splits into two, erases our recent posts, and the bailiffs come to take our scanner! In addition to this, we’ll be talking in spoonerisms and nonsense.”

“Bloody hell Wooof,” I said. “We already talk enough nonsense at The Vintage Toy Advertiser as it is. And may I remind you, the last time this happened we ended up crashing into the darkside of Planet Jupiter!”

“Stop moaning,” said the cat. “And post up the ads!”

INSERT TIME TRAVEL NOISE HERE: Whooooooooshhhhhhhh…

(six minutes later)

Wooof just came skying into the flanning room in a plate of static.

“Trots the wubble?” I said.

“I maccidently assed up the settings on our new wine machine,” replied the cat. “We have less than six biscuits before time tits into sploo, erases our decent roasts, and the bailiffs come to bake our spanner! In addition to this, we’ll be talking in noonerisms and sponsense.”

“Hoody bell Wooof!” I said. “We already talk enough nonsense at The Toasted Sandwich Advertiser as it is. And ray I me-mind you, the last time this happened we ended up crashing into the backside of Janet Plutiter!”

“Mop stoning,” said the cat. “And toast up the pads!”


TVTA is proud to present a tantalising mixed-up time treat of inflatable bunnies, scarecrows, rollerskates, kangaRoos, monsters and spooks, and more inflatables!

Playmates Bunnies. Ideal Toys catalogue. 1972. UK.


Scarecrow Target Set. Ideal Toys catalogue. 1972. UK.


Lundi rollerskates. Denmark. 1980.


Pop Wheels. Italy. Topolino. 1978.


Gioca rollerskates. Topolono. Italy. 1978


KangaRoos. Denmark.


KangaRoos. Denmark.


Monsters and Spooks model kits. Airfix catalogue. 1984. UK.


Slim Jim. Jonah Hex. 1978. US.


US. 1976.


US. 1976.


Feel the love or feel the pain? Elastic Man and Elastic Monstre get stretchy. France. 1978.


Playmate’s Disney characters. Ideal Toys catalogue. 1972. UK.


Tom and Jerry Playmates inflatables. UK. Ideal catalogue. 1972.

Spinning. A toy poem. Illustrated.

Love grows in all kinds of places.

They came from love. Bloomed, blossomed, were buds on the trees.

Were butterflies hiking lifts inside bubbles.

Dreaming of skies.

Up in the air they learned the art of conversation.

Learned that communication is chemistry.

Compounds and elements. Dispute. Problem. Discuss. Solve.

They defended rigorously their right to disagree with one another.

And in doing so they discovered accord.

That great union in the sky was lucky.

Not so lucky for some of the creatures down below,

Who are spun, turned.

Spin. It’s your go.

Q1: Does your government have you in a spin?

Where to begin … begin with a word …

A word to the wise from the Masters of Austerity …

“We have your number and your number’s up.”

Spin.

Miss a turn.

Go ahead, go again.

In Britain, the Brexit red bus had them under its wheels.

With smarmy charm it punched their tickets and bid them a mal bon voyage.

A one-way ticket to nowheresville.

A carousel spinning in delicious circles.

Taking back control one foul turn at a time.

Hi-jacked flags to march under.

Banners of lies.

What exactly did they vote for?

The safe return of their country,

The migrants to go home,

Hospital wards to close,

Beds emptied of broken souls,

Staff worked to the bone,

Emergency services stretched to the limit of their resources,

And all they can endure both morally and physically? 

And all along European people employed as bargaining chips.

Home and abroad. Pawns.

Spin.

Spin.

Shake the dice.

The Masters of Austerity will have you shaking with rage.

Shake, as will the ground beneath your feet when they finally get round to fracking you.

Won’t matter one bit if you own your land… you’ll be fracked right under your house.

That is, those who can afford to live in houses in austerity Britain.

Then ablaze!

Tower blocks that go up in flames,

Because of savage cuts and the corners cut and the wicked decline in the treatment of

the poor?

Grenfell Tower,

A giant aflame,

Austerity framed by dawn’s breaking sky,

Witnessed from Smartphones, TV screens,

And the windows of neighbouring luxury flats.

A hollow stare aimed at the poor.

Austerity Masters squeal their mantras.

Pigs with snouts red raw from scraping too many troughs for far too long.

Orwell said some animals are more equal than others.

Enough to make you sick.

Put you in a spin.

There are doctors for that but not the doctors you need.

Your turn.

Question number 2:

Does your media have you in a spin?

With their spinning tops that spin,

Whirl and twirl, spin and spin,

Engineered by sinister hands conducting in the shadows.

Spin, spin, spin.

It’s all a game they don’t want you to win.

 

A game.

An illusion.

Start again.

And in the small print of the rules it says:

“The only thing spinning worthy of attention is the globe we call our home.

And you are not the only one to call it such.”

Your go.

Your spin.

Spin again.

And spin, spin, spin.

 


Images taken from scans made by TVTA and Jaltesorensen.

Publications: Pif Gadget. Anders And & Co. Pato Donald. Christie’s Catalogue. Hamleys Catalogue. Topolino. Bécassine. Star Wars. Doctor Who. 2000 AD.

Grenfell Tower image by Natalie Oxford – https://twitter.com/Natalie_Oxford/status/874835244989513729/photo/1, CC BY 4.0, Link

Non-toy ad Tuesday: office cats and the munchies

“Be careful of what you put into your mouth.”

Interplanetary Federation Supermarket Customer Advice Proverb.

A TVTA Food, Drink and Snack special report!

Most office cats are content to work the bare minimum – catch mice, make tea, answer the phone, that type of thing. Not so Wooof… TVTA’s faithful feline has just spent the past three weeks down in the archives searching for vintage adverts and other retro paperwork goodies!

Any luck? I asked him as he emerged from the basement dressed in dust, cobwebs and, bizarrely, a 1980 R2-D2 Thermal Underoos set.

Yes, replied the cat, I have enough ads to keep us busy the whole of the summer. He showed me the tartan suitcase which he had lugged up the stairs. I opened it. It was full of vintage adverts. Excellent.

There are no clown adverts are there? I asked him.

Goodness, no, replied the cat.

Only, the last time we made a Non-toy ad Tuesday post, I seem to recall some very disturbing images of clowns and other odd stuff.

Don’t worry, said Wooof. It’s completely clown-free. I’ve checked. There’s nothing odd at all. Just perfectly normal food, drink and snack adverts.

You’re not lying?

I’m not lying. Now get scanning. We’ve deadlines to meet!

Righto, I replied.

——  ——  ——  ——   ——   ——

Cue sounds of scanner…

 

sounds like…

 

Stur stur smag!

 

Stur stur smag!

 

Stur stur smag!

 

 

Denmark. 1983.


In other disturbing news,

TV Cereal Killer caught on film.

Denmark. 1988.


Salty Spunk liquorice lozenges hit the streets…

Denmark. 1977.


Victory V. Suck it and see.

UK. Running. 1986.


Superman action strip colouring contest with Trebor chews.

UK. Star Wars Weekly. 1979.


Snit dig en Cool burger!

Denmark. 1984.


Philips kitchenware 1980s style!

UK. Mobil Gifts Catalogue. 1986.


Frisk! Stimorol chewing gum.

Denmark. Anders And & Co. 1986.

Frisk! 80s!

Denmark. 1984.


M&M’s. The milk chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hands.

US. X Factor, 1987.

US. Legion of Superheroes. 1984.


Tonimalt. French malt drink favourite with Ulysse 31 (Ulysses 31) promotion.

France. Journal de Mickey. 1983.


Another gloriously nonsensical Hostess Superhero ad! This one’s going straight into the collection Hostess Superhero ads

US. 1976.


Weetabix

UK. Prima. 1987.


Tom and Jerry get licked!

Denmark. 1983.


So eighties!

Denmark. 1988.


Soft drinks galore!

1. Fanta. Denmark. 1978.

Fast forward a couple of decades later…

Absolutely Fabulous. BBC.co.uk/abfab.


2. 7UP. Denmark. 1977.

3. Coke. UK. 1979.

4. Pepsi-Cola. Denmark. 1978.

And finally, we end this post with a giraffe. It’s not often we can say that. Or this…

5. Schwip Schwap!


If you are interested in learning more about food, drink and snacks then why not visit your local supermarket where many examples can be viewed free by the public. Don’t forget to take along your pencils and a sketch pad in case you wish to make notes and illustrations for your school project. Or why not ask the supermarket manager if you can snap a few photographs! He or she will only be too happy to oblige and may even throw in a few treats for you to take home to your parents. This post has been brought to you by TVTA and the Interplanetary Federation Supermarket Customer Advice Bureau. Best before Feb 2223. This is a free-range post and no animals were harmed. Just Ewoks. Recycle the carton when finished. Enjoy responsibly.


 

RIP Adam West, my first Batman


I just heard that Adam West, the actor who played Batman in the 1960s TV series and 1966 feature film, has died aged 88. My initial thought was shit, no! Then for some reason a big smile came to my face. And I think the reason for that is because Adam West’s Batman was my Batman as a kid, and not only managed to help embroider my childhood with adventures, crazy storylines, cool characters and vehicles, and the best secret lair ever… but also made me happy.

Batman was one of the shows I looked forward to watching the most, and whenever the feature film was aired on TV I made sure I’d watch it – the scene of the shark and the Batcopter being my favourite! Looking back I can see how the show was played for a decent amount of campy laughs – a lot of which would’ve escaped the attention of my kid-self. I’m a fan of what Burton and Nolan did with the character and I enjoy some of the comic books, but in many ways my sense of who, or what, Batman is will always be shaped by Adam West’s Caped Crusader.

Farewell old chum.

Photo of Adam West as Batman from the television series. Public Domain.


You guys kick ass!

Kick-Ass 2. SFX Magazine. 2013.

I usually don’t bother too much about WP awards or achievements, but yesterday was really cool because I received two messages from our platform overlords – one for receiving 1K worth of likes and the other to say “happy anniversary” (11th April 2011 was the date I registered here).

So, here’s a quick thanks to all you folk who take time out to read and look at my posts. Thank you kindly for your likes, comments and support, which help me to keep on doing what I’m doing and makes me feel like I’m part of a really cool family.