Category Archives: Wooof

Happy birthday to the editor, and RIP Harry Dean Stanton

Oh Leia! The princess perils of partying!

It’s my birthday today and I’m a little hungover – not from partying you understand; yesterday I worked my third eleven-hour shift in a row, and then spent five hours working on my novel way into the wee hours (Way Into the Wee Hours is not the title of it by the way). Apologies for any splelling errors – I will never proof read this, ever, and our sub editor long ago eloped to Scotland with the photocopier repair guy. Ah, I love an office romance. Apologies too if the following ads make little sense, but then things don’t always make sense at TVTA, which is absolutely fine, according to Wooof.


The day started off with some nice pressies and cards, but also with the sad news that actor Harry Dean Stanton died. I absolutely love his work with David Lynch, and also his roles in Alien and Pretty in Pink. RIP man!

Alas, there’s nothing in the TVTA archives to represent Harry Dean, other than this cool Japanese Chirashi of Alien in which HD played the character Brett.


In other hungover vintage news…

Feeling scummy? Then you will need Skummy bar! Excellent for long days and late nights, and a guranteed Dolphin to drag you merrrilly into Christmas!


For that lingering hungover feeling…

Try Trill.

Seems to work for budgies! (Please stand on your head to view pic correctly).


Works for Harvey too!


Rufus! Get ootay ma heed! The last thing you need when hungover is a skateboarding cheese with a turd-shaped hairstyle zooming around in your head!


Kaboom!

TVTA is most definitely going to try and find one of these at the next flea market we go to, and turn it into a time machine! And our first stop? 1967…


We will party like it’s 1967!!

Thanks for looking. Happy birthday everyone around the world!

Ron Wing to rule them all

US. Creepy Mag. 1980.

Wooof just came flying into the scanning room in a state of panic.

“What’s the trouble?” I said.

“I accidently messed up the settings on our new time machine,” replied the cat. “We have less than six minutes before time splits into two, erases our recent posts, and the bailiffs come to take our scanner! In addition to this, we’ll be talking in spoonerisms and nonsense.”

“Bloody hell Wooof,” I said. “We already talk enough nonsense at The Vintage Toy Advertiser as it is. And may I remind you, the last time this happened we ended up crashing into the darkside of Planet Jupiter!”

“Stop moaning,” said the cat. “And post up the ads!”

INSERT TIME TRAVEL NOISE HERE: Whooooooooshhhhhhhh…

(six minutes later)

Wooof just came skying into the flanning room in a plate of static.

“Trots the wubble?” I said.

“I maccidently assed up the settings on our new wine machine,” replied the cat. “We have less than six biscuits before time tits into sploo, erases our decent roasts, and the bailiffs come to bake our spanner! In addition to this, we’ll be talking in noonerisms and sponsense.”

“Hoody bell Wooof!” I said. “We already talk enough nonsense at The Toasted Sandwich Advertiser as it is. And ray I me-mind you, the last time this happened we ended up crashing into the backside of Janet Plutiter!”

“Mop stoning,” said the cat. “And toast up the pads!”


TVTA is proud to present a tantalising mixed-up time treat of inflatable bunnies, scarecrows, rollerskates, kangaRoos, monsters and spooks, and more inflatables!

Playmates Bunnies. Ideal Toys catalogue. 1972. UK.


Scarecrow Target Set. Ideal Toys catalogue. 1972. UK.


Lundi rollerskates. Denmark. 1980.


Pop Wheels. Italy. Topolino. 1978.


Gioca rollerskates. Topolono. Italy. 1978


KangaRoos. Denmark.


KangaRoos. Denmark.


Monsters and Spooks model kits. Airfix catalogue. 1984. UK.


Slim Jim. Jonah Hex. 1978. US.


US. 1976.


US. 1976.


Feel the love or feel the pain? Elastic Man and Elastic Monstre get stretchy. France. 1978.


Playmate’s Disney characters. Ideal Toys catalogue. 1972. UK.


Tom and Jerry Playmates inflatables. UK. Ideal catalogue. 1972.

Non-toy ad Tuesday: office cats and the munchies

“Be careful of what you put into your mouth.”

Interplanetary Federation Supermarket Customer Advice Proverb.

A TVTA Food, Drink and Snack special report!

Most office cats are content to work the bare minimum – catch mice, make tea, answer the phone, that type of thing. Not so Wooof… TVTA’s faithful feline has just spent the past three weeks down in the archives searching for vintage adverts and other retro paperwork goodies!

Any luck? I asked him as he emerged from the basement dressed in dust, cobwebs and, bizarrely, a 1980 R2-D2 Thermal Underoos set.

Yes, replied the cat, I have enough ads to keep us busy the whole of the summer. He showed me the tartan suitcase which he had lugged up the stairs. I opened it. It was full of vintage adverts. Excellent.

There are no clown adverts are there? I asked him.

Goodness, no, replied the cat.

Only, the last time we made a Non-toy ad Tuesday post, I seem to recall some very disturbing images of clowns and other odd stuff.

Don’t worry, said Wooof. It’s completely clown-free. I’ve checked. There’s nothing odd at all. Just perfectly normal food, drink and snack adverts.

You’re not lying?

I’m not lying. Now get scanning. We’ve deadlines to meet!

Righto, I replied.

——  ——  ——  ——   ——   ——

Cue sounds of scanner…

 

sounds like…

 

Stur stur smag!

 

Stur stur smag!

 

Stur stur smag!

 

 

Denmark. 1983.


In other disturbing news,

TV Cereal Killer caught on film.

Denmark. 1988.


Salty Spunk liquorice lozenges hit the streets…

Denmark. 1977.


Victory V. Suck it and see.

UK. Running. 1986.


Superman action strip colouring contest with Trebor chews.

UK. Star Wars Weekly. 1979.


Snit dig en Cool burger!

Denmark. 1984.


Philips kitchenware 1980s style!

UK. Mobil Gifts Catalogue. 1986.


Frisk! Stimorol chewing gum.

Denmark. Anders And & Co. 1986.

Frisk! 80s!

Denmark. 1984.


M&M’s. The milk chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hands.

US. X Factor, 1987.

US. Legion of Superheroes. 1984.


Tonimalt. French malt drink favourite with Ulysse 31 (Ulysses 31) promotion.

France. Journal de Mickey. 1983.


Another gloriously nonsensical Hostess Superhero ad! This one’s going straight into the collection Hostess Superhero ads

US. 1976.


Weetabix

UK. Prima. 1987.


Tom and Jerry get licked!

Denmark. 1983.


So eighties!

Denmark. 1988.


Soft drinks galore!

1. Fanta. Denmark. 1978.

Fast forward a couple of decades later…

Absolutely Fabulous. BBC.co.uk/abfab.


2. 7UP. Denmark. 1977.

3. Coke. UK. 1979.

4. Pepsi-Cola. Denmark. 1978.

And finally, we end this post with a giraffe. It’s not often we can say that. Or this…

5. Schwip Schwap!


If you are interested in learning more about food, drink and snacks then why not visit your local supermarket where many examples can be viewed free by the public. Don’t forget to take along your pencils and a sketch pad in case you wish to make notes and illustrations for your school project. Or why not ask the supermarket manager if you can snap a few photographs! He or she will only be too happy to oblige and may even throw in a few treats for you to take home to your parents. This post has been brought to you by TVTA and the Interplanetary Federation Supermarket Customer Advice Bureau. Best before Feb 2223. This is a free-range post and no animals were harmed. Just Ewoks. Recycle the carton when finished. Enjoy responsibly.


 

Office cat tales: this sucks


NYHED!

This morning, Wooof came up from TVTA’s archives with a strange batch of vintage adverts.
“What you got there, Wooof?” I asked.
“Found these stuffed down the back of that old printing press,” replied the cat.
“That’s no printing press,” I said, “that’s the original TVTA office time machine, which is officially on ice until we get those replacement parts I ordered from 1928.”
“Whatever,” said the cat. “What shall I do with these ads?”
Wooof handed me the ads.
“Good grief,” I said. “Some of these ads are completely weird. No wonder they were hidden behind the time machine!”
“I dare say the previous editor intended to send them to the middle ages or somewhere,” said the cat. “Want me to shred them?”
“No. Let’s scan them double-quick, post them up, and hope no one notices! We can say it was a glitch.”
“Or fake news,” said Wooof. “If you hide them among some of our usual ads, no one will ever notice.”
“Good plan, Wooof” said I.
Cue sounds of office scanner…
… sounds like …
… stur… stur… smag…
… stur…stur… smag…
… stur… stur… smag …




NYHED!















NYHED!






This post was brought to you by office cats, broken time machines and Non-toy ad non-Tuesday Tuesdays.


 

Non-toy ad Tuesday: what’s a weekly?

“Zoey and Danny … following the recent zombie holocaust, and as the only surviving children of this school, I’m delighted to inform you that you’ve been made prefects! Now, all you have to do to claim your shiny new badges is explain to me what is a ‘weekly’ …”

Our office cat, Wooof, recently posed the question, What is a weekly?

It’s generally some sort of publication that occurs every seven days, I replied. For example, I could begin this post with … Welcome to TVTA’s weekly edition of Non-toy ad Tuesday!

And you would be lying through your teeth, said Wooof, Non-toy ad Tuesday is never weekly. You use the term as loosely as that ill-fitting bright orange and brown ski-jumper Mrs Coldkettle the tea lady knitted you last Christmas!

Don’t mention that dreadful jumper! I said. Mrs Coldkettle’s heart is in the right place, sadly her taste in knitwear isn’t.

So you admit Non-toy ad Tuesday is not a weekly?

You got me, Wooof. It’s not a weekly.

So what is a weekly then?

Look, why don’t you go and consult your new cat dictionary app you had for Christmas or something, and leave me to get on with posting up the scans?

Fine, said the cat. What are you posting first?

An ad for a French music magazine from 1987.

A weekly?

No. A monthly

🙂

Also in this week’s issue: Memorex, Wharfedale, VHS, Lemmy, Air France, News Cigarettes, Mitsubishi cars, and a nifty Judge Dredd towelling robe!


France. Pif Gadget. 1987.

France. Pif Gadget. 1987.


France. Charlie Mensuel. 1983.

France. Charlie Mensuel. 1983.


UK. Sky Magazine. 1987.


UK. 2000 AD Sci-Fi Special. 1987.


UK. 2000 AD Sci-Fi Special. 1987.


UK. Starburst. 1984.


US. Time. 1980.

US. Time. 1980.


US. Time. 1980.

US. Time. 1980.


France. Charlie Mensuel. 1983.


Thanks for looking! Join us again soon for another (un-weekly) edition of Non-toy ad Tuesday!

Space cats and space editors: it’s a space-race chase fast getaway 555 Gauloises muscleman spaceman Non-toy ad Tuesday nonsensical vintage space trip with TVTA!

Ha, and it’s not even Tuesday!! But allow me to tell you how it all began…

It all began with Wooof wanting one of those Bunny ice creams. You know, those crazy-looking popsicles from 1983 France…

pifg-741-1983-bunny-glaces-miko-post

So I was about to take Wooof to the local ice cream parlour for a Bunny when we were hoodwinked into purchasing a Rotaplane … well the advert did say “the sky’s the limit” … but how they lied, those cunning vintage advertisers! Because the sky wasn’t the limit at all, and soon Wooof and I were travelling into the far reaches of the galaxy!

“But I only wanted a Bunny ice cream!” cried Wooof.

“Sorry, old cat,” I replied, “Looks like we have no choice now but to ride this Rotaplane spaceship to the stars and back.”

rotaplane-swweekly-1978-uk

Light-hours passed, when suddenly Wooof and I were mistakenly mistaken by mistake for intergalactic crimelord crooks Melostar and Moco… Grrrr, Wooof looks nothing like a monkey, and no way is my hair that shocking pink colour. It’s actually green.

moco-et-melostar

Dammit, it was time for a cigarette… mild but not meek, at times like this, only a 555 will do!

555-cigarettes-uk-film-review-july-1979

No, actually, give us something classier… something with a cool ad campaign… like a car looking like it’s driving down from space…  how about Gauloises?

matal-hurlant-70-noel-special-1981-gauloises-post

But wait, we don’t even smoke!

Me: I think wooof does smoke actually.

Wooof: He smokes too.

Okay, it must have been all that space dust messing about with our minds, because before we knew it inter-planetary iron bar-bending, pec-popping superstar muscleman Charles Atlas was trying to sell us one of his expensive vintage protein-powered buttock-clenching illustrated books. Impressed by his statement “Let me prove I can make you a new man” we broke out our wallets and purses and handed over our remaining bucks.

charles-atlas-ghostly-haunts-1976-us

Then Wooof made an interesting point, followed by a demand for a full refund: “What about proving you can make me a new cat?” he asked Charles Atlas.

“Hey, Charles,” said I,  “Wooof is right, you can’t make a man out of a cat. And if you can’t, then you ain’t making a man out of me!”

It was at this point that Charles began to lose his temper, and Wooof and I knew we were in for a fight. So we left Charles (in a bloody, beaten mess on the floor – ha, not really , we absolutely ran for our freakin’ lives!) and we boarded our Rotaplane spaceship as fast as we could and sped away!

We were then intercepted by a school space bus full of 1980s-type alien children playing with 1980s-type alien toys. The kids insisted that we took a photo of them to show to the people back home on Earth what 1980s space children looked like. So we did. Here is the photo. Enjoy.

pif-716_-group-toy-shot_1982-post

“Greetings children of planet Earth. In space it is Christmas everyday!”

Soon, Wooof and I were hurtling through the deep vintage outer limits of space, navigating the deadly Rubik’s Cube black hole and the Treehouse Family asteroid belt. It wasn’t long before we encountered Galaxy Rangers trying to flog us some Tang from 1978. Hey, move aside Captain, we’re on a mission and we don’t need no Tang…

galaxy-rangers-pifg-1988

Then we met Flash Gordon and some of his friends. Flash wasn’t trying to sell us Tang, he was just showing off on the cover of a 1980 issue of French comic magazine Pif Gadget.

pif-gadget-612-1980-flash-gordon-cover-post

However, Ming the Merciless was showing off – Ming was selling a case of bootleg cassettes of Wooof’s favourite band Duran Duran. So we bought the lot with some cash we found stuffed down the back of the sofa on the Rotaplane – knowing full well we could more than double our money by re-selling them on the durrrty rimm side of Betelgeuse to Simon Le-Bon fans. Don’t worry, Wooof, you get to keep a copy for yourself and spend the money on as many Bunny ice creams as you like! (cue one happy cat).

Ha, looks like Wooof found inspiration too!

Wooof in Flash Gordon costume being all happy coz he gets to keep one bootleg Duran Duran tape and sell all the others to buy ice cream.

Sadly, Wooof and I never did get chance to flog our magnetic tapes at Betelgeuse. For reasons completely unknown to us, we found ourselves hurtling, inexplicably, back to planet Earth… and our Rotaplane – which frankly was shit but by this time we had actually grown to love, had mysteriously changed into an Atari 2600 spaceship with Wooof and I strapped inside while all around us – in space – the most amazing trippy things were going on, like tennis and the stabbing of large reptiles and Formula 1.

atari-2600-pifg-1988-post

Finally, we arrived back on planet Earth… Phew! What a trip. And when we looked at the calendar in the office six years had passed!

“Crikey,” said Wooof. “The public library cops are going to throw away the keys this time! Wooof was right – our library books were already fifteen years overdue as it was! Both the cat and I were exceptionally tardy when it came to returning books. “What will we do?” said Wooof.

“I think we’d better make a fast getaway,” I said.

“Not back into space!” moaned Wooof.

“Goodness no,” said I, “let’s go to Monte Carlo instead!” Outside, I had spotted a vintage advert showing fast cars and fast shoes. Pirelli Pitstops! “Come on, Wooof. let’s go! Last one to Monaco is a squashed space tomato!”

pirelli-pit-stops-eagle-1983

The End

Brought to you by TVTA Non-toy ad Tuesday nonsensical vintage productions and Rotaplane space travel. Thank you for flying with us. Have a safe and pleasant journey.