Ha, and it’s not even Tuesday!! But allow me to tell you how it all began…
It all began with Wooof wanting one of those Bunny ice creams. You know, those crazy-looking popsicles from 1983 France…
So I was about to take Wooof to the local ice cream parlour for a Bunny when we were hoodwinked into purchasing a Rotaplane … well the advert did say “the sky’s the limit” … but how they lied, those cunning vintage advertisers! Because the sky wasn’t the limit at all, and soon Wooof and I were travelling into the far reaches of the galaxy!
“But I only wanted a Bunny ice cream!” cried Wooof.
“Sorry, old cat,” I replied, “Looks like we have no choice now but to ride this Rotaplane spaceship to the stars and back.”
Light-hours passed, when suddenly Wooof and I were mistakenly mistaken by mistake for intergalactic crimelord crooks Melostar and Moco… Grrrr, Wooof looks nothing like a monkey, and no way is my hair that shocking pink colour. It’s actually green.
Dammit, it was time for a cigarette… mild but not meek, at times like this, only a 555 will do!
No, actually, give us something classier… something with a cool ad campaign… like a car looking like it’s driving down from space… how about Gauloises?
But wait, we don’t even smoke!
Me: I think wooof does smoke actually.
Wooof: He smokes too.
Okay, it must have been all that space dust messing about with our minds, because before we knew it inter-planetary iron bar-bending, pec-popping superstar muscleman Charles Atlas was trying to sell us one of his expensive vintage protein-powered buttock-clenching illustrated books. Impressed by his statement “Let me prove I can make you a new man” we broke out our wallets and purses and handed over our remaining bucks.
Then Wooof made an interesting point, followed by a demand for a full refund: “What about proving you can make me a new cat?” he asked Charles Atlas.
“Hey, Charles,” said I, “Wooof is right, you can’t make a man out of a cat. And if you can’t, then you ain’t making a man out of me!”
It was at this point that Charles began to lose his temper, and Wooof and I knew we were in for a fight. So we left Charles (in a bloody, beaten mess on the floor – ha, not really , we absolutely ran for our freakin’ lives!) and we boarded our Rotaplane spaceship as fast as we could and sped away!
We were then intercepted by a school space bus full of 1980s-type alien children playing with 1980s-type alien toys. The kids insisted that we took a photo of them to show to the people back home on Earth what 1980s space children looked like. So we did. Here is the photo. Enjoy.
“Greetings children of planet Earth. In space it is Christmas everyday!”
Soon, Wooof and I were hurtling through the deep vintage outer limits of space, navigating the deadly Rubik’s Cube black hole and the Treehouse Family asteroid belt. It wasn’t long before we encountered Galaxy Rangers trying to flog us some Tang from 1978. Hey, move aside Captain, we’re on a mission and we don’t need no Tang…
Then we met Flash Gordon and some of his friends. Flash wasn’t trying to sell us Tang, he was just showing off on the cover of a 1980 issue of French comic magazine Pif Gadget.
However, Ming the Merciless was showing off – Ming was selling a case of bootleg cassettes of Wooof’s favourite band Duran Duran. So we bought the lot with some cash we found stuffed down the back of the sofa on the Rotaplane – knowing full well we could more than double our money by re-selling them on the durrrty rimm side of Betelgeuse to Simon Le-Bon fans. Don’t worry, Wooof, you get to keep a copy for yourself and spend the money on as many Bunny ice creams as you like! (cue one happy cat).
Wooof in Flash Gordon costume being all happy coz he gets to keep one bootleg Duran Duran tape and sell all the others to buy ice cream.
Sadly, Wooof and I never did get chance to flog our magnetic tapes at Betelgeuse. For reasons completely unknown to us, we found ourselves hurtling, inexplicably, back to planet Earth… and our Rotaplane – which frankly was shit but by this time we had actually grown to love, had mysteriously changed into an Atari 2600 spaceship with Wooof and I strapped inside while all around us – in space – the most amazing trippy things were going on, like tennis and the stabbing of large reptiles and Formula 1.
Finally, we arrived back on planet Earth… Phew! What a trip. And when we looked at the calendar in the office six years had passed!
“Crikey,” said Wooof. “The public library cops are going to throw away the keys this time! Wooof was right – our library books were already fifteen years overdue as it was! Both the cat and I were exceptionally tardy when it came to returning books. “What will we do?” said Wooof.
“I think we’d better make a fast getaway,” I said.
“Not back into space!” moaned Wooof.
“Goodness no,” said I, “let’s go to Monte Carlo instead!” Outside, I had spotted a vintage advert showing fast cars and fast shoes. Pirelli Pitstops! “Come on, Wooof. let’s go! Last one to Monaco is a squashed space tomato!”
Brought to you by TVTA Non-toy ad Tuesday nonsensical vintage productions and Rotaplane space travel. Thank you for flying with us. Have a safe and pleasant journey.