Greetings, vintage mates! This is a fun “part 2” to a post I made way back in 2020, in which I showcased some particularly disturbing toy adverts which were leaving me, quite frankly, completely freaked out!

yet, here I am again, once more a sucker for punishment, as I present 10 further foul examples of nightmare-inducing toy monstrosities!

As such, with my latest batch of creepy adverts, I think I’m pretty close to the stage of the below definitions:

Pediophobia or “the fear of dolls” is a specific type of phobia characterized by irrational and intense fear or worry of dolls. Pediophobia is closely related to Automatonophobia.

Automatonophobia – morbid fear of ventriloquist’s dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues or any inanimate object that simulates a sentient being.

Is it just me… or am I the only one to feel disturbed by my post header advert for Pelham Puppets? Take your pick, each puppet may surely possess the power to ‘string you up’ and leave you suspended in fear as they torture your dangling body…

Maybe it is me.

Maybe not.

Anyway, I’m not taking any chances, and neither should you!

Be warned…

Here is my latest top ten toy adverts that are freaking me out lately…

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#10 – Buttons & Bows and Lucy Mae dolls

No. Just no! These clownish dolls may seem like fun at first glance, but you can be sure that in the middle of the night they will have gained the ability to tiptoe over to your bed, climb inside next to you, settle under the duvet, then begin their wanton bloodshed!

Once you awake to their plush hands wrapped around your neck, you will realise that the morning light may actually never come!

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#9 – Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer Snerd ventriloquist dolls 

Evil voices thrown across the bedroom late at night. The gnashing of teeth. The gurgling of glasses of water (gin, vodka, potcheen?) as ventriloquist dolls sing by their own volition “Roll Out The Barrel” and “I’ve Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts”.

Be afraid. Be very afraid! This terrifying duo will leave you transfixed with fear! I had a Charlie doll as a child, and I’m still in recovery.

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#8 – Mighty Trike

This ride-along toy may seem like great fun at first, but once you sit in the saddle of the ‘Mighty Trike’ you will be instantly transported to the horrors of the Overlook Hotel from the horror film “The Shining”. I know this isn’t the exact same trike that Danny rode as he whizzed about the carpets of the infamous hotel, but a few laps in this tricycle from hell and you’ll soon be greeted by the sight of dead twin girls wearing pale blue dresses. And watch out for the elevator… it’s a bloody mess. Redrum. Redrum! Room service… get me out of here!

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#7 – Ouija Board

Advertised as “never failing interest and amusement for all the family”, the Ouija board was a popular entertainment pastime for families in the 1960s and 1970s. What the adverts failed to mention was the risk of grandparents turning into zombies, or your youngest child becoming possessed by a demented spirit.

Question: Is there anybody there? Hello? Yes or no?

Answer: YES! Muhuhuhuhahahahaaaa! Now I will inhabit your body and murder the entire family!

Run!

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#6 – Rosco the Chimp Puppet. 

Cute. The little girl as seen in this advert seems only too happy to cradle Rosco, as she amazes her friends with pretend chimp sounds and cunning peanut tricks. But be aware… be very aware… at the stroke of midnight, Rosco will go searching about the bedrooms of your house to rummage through wardrobes and closets, when he will later emerge wearing a wig and dressed in the clothing of your late mother!

As if this wasn’t bad enough, Rosco will then visit the kitchen in search of the sharpest bread knife he can find, whereupon he will return to your quarters to disembowel you! The only way to be certain of Rosco’s demise is to burn him with petrol and bury his remains in a deep pit. Pure, pure, pure evil!

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#5 – The Sheikh Disguise

You may believe that by wearing this clever disguise kit of a Middle Eastern sheikh, your fortune will suddenly improve or that you might be a fun hit at the next fancy dress party you attend (in all honesty, you will probably be immediately cancelled by your friends and peers and have to delete your social media account).

But being cancelled is nothing compared to the horrors which await if ever you are foolish enough to put on this disguise! For, in an instant, you will become cursed and realise that the mask can never be removed!

The “devastating touch” of the sunglasses will become all too apparent, as you understand that you will be blinded for eternity by vicious sandstorms, stampeded by zombie camels, and will be baked by the unforgiving sun which will sizzle your brains to a mush. You have been warned!

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#4 – Danny O’Day and Hayley O’Hara and Mr Farfel ventriloquist dolls. 

Sweet shrieking Hosanna on a bike! I think I need to take out a second mortgage to pay for my therapy bills after seeing this malevolent trio! As if the Danny and Hayley dolls weren’t creepy enough… the manufacturers had to go and include a pet dog for them – called: ‘Mr Farfel’. Oh, how far did I fall, Farfel, are you man’s best friend, or some evil hound on the end of my hand?

Dare you take twisted turns in inserting your fingers up the backsides of these three dolls from the underworld? Dare you listen to mysterious voices creeping around your bedroom, proclaiming: “One hand makes Danny’s 8-inch friend perform.” WTF!

No. I beseech you. Do not dare!

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#3 – Mickey Mouse ventriloquist doll.

No!!! Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse with ventriloquist dolls… along comes a suited-up Mickey Mouse, legs crossed like he’s some gentleman evil demon in disguise! Disney… I thought Mickey was supposed to be cute… not pure bone-jangling scaresome!

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#2 – Space Hopper Bunny Bouncers. 

Not many people know this, but the Great Space Hopper is the incubus of the toy world. At night, when ladies sleep, the Great Space Hopper emerges from the shadows, where it will hop upon the lady’s chest and begin seducing her as it stares malevolently at her sleeping face. The next morning, the lady will awake to find that she has given birth to a witch, or a bad wizard, or a deformed half troll half shark that can speak nineteen languages!

Gentlemen, do not believe you are safe simply because you are a male! The female version of the incubus is the succubus, and you are at peril from any succubi masquerading as Space Hoppers, who will not think twice about sitting on your chest to begin their own, special, cruel brand of seduction. Of course, you won’t awake the next morning giving birth to monsters – that would be just silly, we all know men can’t get pregnant. However, your punishment will still be severe, for you will be accused of mansplaining for the remainder of your miserable life, become instantly cancelled, and have all your social media accounts deleted.

How to avoid incubi / succubi masquerading as Space Hoppers: a) do not buy space hopper toys in the first instance. b) do not sleep. c) hire a brigade of mercenaries as your personal bodyguard.

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#1 – Elise Bride doll

The advert blurb says: “Catch my bridal bouquet!” No thanks, I’d rather catch gastroenteritis. Yet, even though I’ve placed the Elise Bride doll at number one, there is something strangely appealing to me about her (In a Tim Burton Corpse Bride kind of a way, yeah, I’ll admit, I had a crush on her for a while). Also, Elise reminds me a little of my fourth wife, Lucretia, during our courtship period, before her decomposition truly set in.

Well, maybe I’ll skip Elise’s wedding after all. The more you look into her soulless black eyes, the more you feel your lifeblood slipping away…

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Brrrr!

(shiver!)

And it’s not even close to Halloween yet!

Well, that’s all for now, folks. Thanks for looking (over your shoulder) with us 🙂

Suggested power song to blog to today: “Where is my Mind”, cover of The Pixies classic, by Puddles Pity Party. No clowns. Honest. Wait, what? Okay, I lied.