Office Cat Tales: the new furniture arrives!

TVTA’s brand new state of the art entertainment/conference suite rocks! Modern Homes and Office Style Rating: 10/10.

A TVTA short story special.

Wooof could hardly contain himself this morning when our new furniture arrived to freshen up the dusty, old TVTA offices. Of course, like most cats, he spent the first hour sitting inside one of the empty packaging cartons, while I was busy unpacking and assembling.

“Are you going to sit inside that cardboard box all day?” I said. “Or are you going to give me a hand building this furniture?”

“After I’ve finished playing with the polystyrene packing peanuts,” replied the cat, “I’ll give you a hand, so long as it doesn’t interfere with my mid-morning nap.”

“Look,” I said, “You should be pleased we have all this nice, new, modern 1980s and 1990s furniture to replace the 1940s set we inherited from Mrs Coldkettle’s grandmother who worked for MI5.”

TVTA’s old office furniture. The cold war had never been colder. Modern Homes and Office Style Rating: 2/10.

“Ah,” sighed the cat. “I shan’t be sorry to see that old typewriter go. And those razor sharp filing cabinet doors. And those brass drawer handles the size of Olympic hurdling fences… and always a hard-boiled sweet immortally stuck to the back leg of a chair. You’re right, I am pleased we have new furniture!”

“Glad to hear it. We have new kitchen appliances too!”

“Did you get me an ice cream maker?”

“I certainly did, old chum.”

“Joy!”

“And new audio equipment, so you can listen to Duran Duran while you’re scanning adverts and catalogues all day.”

“You are such a considerate editor. Later, I may bring a dead mouse or bird to lay at your feet as a token of my love.”

“You must stop that bad habit,” I said to the cat. “I know it’s your instincts and stuff, but can’t you bring me a coffee, or a pizza next time, eh, if you can, mm?”

“Are you always so ungrateful?”

“Me? Ungrateful? Have you seen the TVTA garden lately, it’s a pet cemetery out there!”

“I don’t always bring you dead animals,” said the cat. “Last week I brought back a party of clowns to cheer you up over Brexit.”

“Wooof, you know how I fear clowns, even more than Brexit. Additionally, those clowns had escaped from a strict government quarantine order following a suspected outbreak of COVID-19 at the circus in town.”

“Blooming Ada,” said the cat. “I never knew that.”

“At least three of them were showing signs of Coronavirus.”

“They all looked perfectly healthy to me.”

“No, I mean they were holding up placards that stated the symptoms: Fever. Cough. Shortness Of Breath.

“I’d say that’s a very useful service to provide.”

“It is, I agree. Those placards event went viral on Twitter for a while: #ClownVirus #Clowninformation #ClownsCoughToo…”

“What a world we live in,” sighed the cat. “And it’s no joking matter, this awful virus.”

“Aye. We won’t be laughing when the government puts us under a curfew.”

“We hardly go out as it is.”

“Or when we have to wear surgical masks and bathe in hand sanitiser gels. Wooof, do you really want to be that cat who has to wear a mask and smell of alcohol?”

“Frankly, it’s been on my bucket list for years.”

“Wooof, this is serious stuff. Only yesterday, Mrs Coldkettle happened to sneeze in the direction of her tea urn. Next thing you know, a team of scientists in hazmat suits arrive, incinerate the tea urn, and spirit Mrs Coldkettle away to a secret air base.”

“Flip! I hope she’s okay. You know how she hates being out of her comfort zone.”

“It’s fine,” I said. “They have her straining tea leaves in the air base canteen. She’s in her element.”

“Relieved to hear it. Vintage tea ladies are so hard to find these days. I hope they let her come home soon.”

I made no reply. And it was then that the cat threw me a puzzled look, followed by a frown.

“What the huff,” he said. “What are you doing, man?”

I had climbed inside one of the empty furniture boxes, and was sitting there quite at peace, a satisfied look on my face, even purring a little, I fancied.

“I’m just going to sit in this box a while,” I said. “It’s rather enjoyable. You know, Wooof, you cats might be onto something here.”

“Blimey. I suppose I’d better get assembling the rest of this furniture then, and leave you to sit in that box.”

“Thanks, Wooof.”

“But don’t make a habit of it. Next you’ll be wanting to use my litter tray. Not a pretty thought that. Might need to order a few dozen extra sacks of Pretty Kitty Glitter Litter™Turns cat stools into beautiful objects of art. Guaranteed no odour! Tell me, are you a stooper, or tail-up kind of a guy?”

“Ugh! Why do you cats have to be so gross sometimes?”

“What, when we’re not, like, running the World Wide Web, making adorable kittens, and keeping the world pest free?”

“Point taken,” I said. “Now, get to work assembling this furniture. I want this place looking the epitome of ‘modern homes and new offices’ by the time Mrs Coldkettle gets back from quarantine.”

“Righto,” said the cat. “Ikea… eat your heart out!”


Later…


Oh my! Doesn’t the place look swell!

Let’s take a look at some of TVTA’s new furniture…

The attic. We created a bright and clean archive area with these bookshelves for the safe and practical storage of our vintage adverts. The slanting window comes with an ‘invisible’ screen to shield our precious paperwork from harmful UV rays. Modern Homes and Office Style Rating: 9/10.

Offices and reception area. We added multiple display cabinets to show off the many toys and artefacts TVTA has collected over the years. Each pane of glass is shatterproof for when Wooof practices his yo-yo skills. Modern Homes and Office Style Rating: 8/10.

Lounge. For when editors and office cats need to relax. This stylish armchair and sofa comes with alternative covers to match your mood. Now it can be 80s deep floral all year round! Pictured relaxing is Phoebe who sometimes does our accounts. TVTA Modern Homes and Office Style Rating: 6/10.

For making dramatic entrances and keeping out the cold. Everyone needs a door curtain, and TVTA is no exception. Available in red or brown, and modelled by Lesley who does the health and safety and risk assessments for us. Modern Homes and Office Style Rating: 8/10.

Main office. Brrrr! It’s always been so chilly at TVTA Towers! Not anymore with this efficient electric 3 bar heater and classic surround with glowing coals and artificial smog. No more frozen fingers for us next time we do the scanning! Modern Homes and Office Style Rating: 10/10.

Archives cellar. This portable 2 bar electric heater with glowing coals effect can be moved safely to any room, but will mostly spend its time with Wooof in the cellar. Modern Homes and Office Style Rating: 5/10.

Upstairs quarters. Bedroom. Wow, just wow! What more can be said… never have my clothes anticipated such luxury which awaits their impending storage. Modern Homes and Office Style Rating: 11/10.

Kitchen. Wooof insisted I got him an ice cream maker. And for me, one of life’s essential survival tools – a toaster. Modern Homes and Office Style Rating: 8/10.

Scanning room. Midi system. This is for Wooof, so he can listen to Duran Duran while busy at work. Using the ‘double cassette’ feature of this impressive Sony unit, Wooof’s promised to make me a mixtape from an already second-generation mixtape he owns. Can’t wait to hear the quality of that, but it’s the thought that counts. Modern Homes and Office Style Rating: 7/10.


So, there you have it, after a full morning assembling 1980s and 1990s furniture, Wooof and I stood back to admire our work…

“It looks so modern,” said the cat.

“Très chic. Classe. En vogue!”

“Depeche Mode!”

“Just can’t get enough!”

“Your own personal Jesus!”

“There is one more surprise I ordered for us,” I said to the cat. “Can you guess?”

“A deluxe Habitrail Hamster Wonderland adventure set?”

“Nope.”

“A polar bear in a fridge?”

“Nope.”

Yo-yo lessons?”

“Nope again. I’ll tell you… it’s a brand new scanner! All the way from Japan!”

“Wow!” said Wooof. “So cool! It looks like a Transformer robot!”

Our new scanner/time machine. Wow! Modern Homes and Office Style Rating: 10/10.

“It does. And best of all, it doubles as a time machine!”

“Brilliant,” said the cat. “One can never have enough time machines about the office.”

“Too true. Fancy a quick trip to 1980s France?”

“What for?”

“Champagne! To celebrate our new office furniture.”

“Count me in.”

“A one, a two, a one, two, three, four…”

“🎶🎼 Meeeeeeowwwwwwlllll 🎵🎵!!!”

Fin


Thank you for modernising offices with us in a vintage style 🙂

11 thoughts on “Office Cat Tales: the new furniture arrives!

  1. Wow, I’m exhausted reading of your exploits today! So many little memories (and unfortunate images) triggered in my mind….stoop or tail-lift…really? I’m glad you said your new printer machine from Japan was a scanner, I thought it was a barbecue at first glance…but it definitely looks like Bumblebee from Transformers too.
    And one final thing, I hope Wooof! was able to find the “Interlocking F Bolt” to finish assembling the furniture – if not let me know as I have a vast store of them from back when I worked at a large well known DIY store where I was told to remove the bolts from all the flatpack furniture before they were sold! Great post guys!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks FT!
      Ha, you’re right, the new scanner does look like a barbecue – I wonder if I can get Wooof to make a few alterations ready for summer?
      As for the ‘Interlocking F Bolt’… I reckon he could have done with one of those as I heard quite a few ‘F-words’ coming from him during his furniture building 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. SWEET! The cat is purrfect. Oh, yeah, the new furniture is cool.
    So, what’s the cat up to now? Has he plicked any furniture into proper looking cat design, yet.
    Have any Warhol-like cabinet scratches, or religious icons in claw-upon-wood appeared?

    Liked by 1 person

    • That made me laugh 😄 Yes, the cat has already claimed several table and chair legs as scratching posts. This morning when I came downstairs to make a cuppa I swear I could see the image of the Virgin Mary staring serenely at me from a chair leg… was about to call the Vatican when the cat informed me he had been scratching his claws on the chair leg and got carried away. He’s quite the artist is our Wooof! 😉

      Like

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