A TVTA short story special.

Wooof could hardly contain himself this morning when our new furniture arrived to freshen up the dusty, old TVTA offices. Of course, like most cats, he spent the first hour sitting inside one of the empty packaging cartons, while I was busy unpacking and assembling.

“Are you going to sit inside that cardboard box all day?” I said. “Or are you going to give me a hand building this furniture?”

“After I’ve finished playing with the polystyrene packing peanuts,” replied the cat, “I’ll give you a hand, so long as it doesn’t interfere with my mid-morning nap.”

“Look,” I said, “You should be pleased we have all this nice, new, modern 1980s and 1990s furniture to replace the 1940s set we inherited from Mrs Coldkettle’s grandmother who worked for MI5.”

“Ah,” sighed the cat. “I shan’t be sorry to see that old typewriter go. And those razor sharp filing cabinet doors. And those brass drawer handles the size of Olympic hurdling fences… and always a hard-boiled sweet immortally stuck to the back leg of a chair. You’re right, I am pleased we have new furniture!”

“Glad to hear it. We have new kitchen appliances too!”

“Did you get me an ice cream maker?”

“I certainly did, old chum.”

“Joy!”

“And new audio equipment, so you can listen to Duran Duran while you’re scanning adverts and catalogues all day.”

“You are such a considerate editor. Later, I may bring a dead mouse or bird to lay at your feet as a token of my love.”

“You must stop that bad habit,” I said to the cat. “I know it’s your instincts and stuff, but can’t you bring me a coffee, or a pizza next time, eh, if you can, mm?”

“Are you always so ungrateful?”

“Me? Ungrateful? Have you seen the TVTA garden lately, it’s a pet cemetery out there!”

“I don’t always bring you dead animals,” said the cat. “Last week I brought back a party of clowns to cheer you up over Brexit.”

“Wooof, you know how I fear clowns, even more than Brexit. Additionally, those clowns had escaped from a strict government quarantine order following a suspected outbreak of COVID-19 at the circus in town.”

“Blooming Ada,” said the cat. “I never knew that.”

“At least three of them were showing signs of Coronavirus.”

“They all looked perfectly healthy to me.”

“No, I mean they were holding up placards that stated the symptoms: Fever. Cough. Shortness Of Breath.”

“I’d say that’s a very useful service to provide.”

“It is, I agree. Those placards event went viral on Twitter for a while: #ClownVirus #Clowninformation #ClownsCoughToo…”

“What a world we live in,” sighed the cat. “And it’s no joking matter, this awful virus.”

“Aye. We won’t be laughing when the government puts us under a curfew.”

“We hardly go out as it is.”

“Or when we have to wear surgical masks and bathe in hand sanitiser gels. Wooof, do you really want to be that cat who has to wear a mask and smell of alcohol?”

“Frankly, it’s been on my bucket list for years.”

“Wooof, this is serious stuff. Only yesterday, Mrs Coldkettle happened to sneeze in the direction of her tea urn. Next thing you know, a team of scientists in hazmat suits arrive, incinerate the tea urn, and spirit Mrs Coldkettle away to a secret air base.”

“Flip! I hope she’s okay. You know how she hates being out of her comfort zone.”

“It’s fine,” I said. “They have her straining tea leaves in the air base canteen. She’s in her element.”

“Relieved to hear it. Vintage tea ladies are so hard to find these days. I hope they let her come home soon.”

I made no reply. And it was then that the cat threw me a puzzled look, followed by a frown.

“What the huff,” he said. “What are you doing, man?”

I had climbed inside one of the empty furniture boxes, and was sitting there quite at peace, a satisfied look on my face, even purring a little, I fancied.

“I’m just going to sit in this box a while,” I said. “It’s rather enjoyable. You know, Wooof, you cats might be onto something here.”

“Blimey. I suppose I’d better get assembling the rest of this furniture then, and leave you to sit in that box.”

“Thanks, Wooof.”

“But don’t make a habit of it. Next you’ll be wanting to use my litter tray. Not a pretty thought that. Might need to order a few dozen extra sacks of Pretty Kitty Glitter Litter™ – Turns cat stools into beautiful objects of art. Guaranteed no odour! Tell me, are you a stooper, or tail-up kind of a guy?”

“Ugh! Why do you cats have to be so gross sometimes?”

“What, when we’re not, like, running the World Wide Web, making adorable kittens, and keeping the world pest free?”

“Point taken,” I said. “Now, get to work assembling this furniture. I want this place looking the epitome of ‘modern homes and new offices’ by the time Mrs Coldkettle gets back from quarantine.”

“Righto,” said the cat. “Ikea… eat your heart out!”

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Later…

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Oh my! Doesn’t the place look swell!

Let’s take a look at some of TVTA’s new furniture…

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So, there you have it, after a full morning assembling 1980s and 1990s furniture, Wooof and I stood back to admire our work…

“It looks so modern,” said the cat.

“Très chic. Classe. En vogue!”

“Depeche Mode!”

“Just can’t get enough!”

“Your own personal Jesus!”

“There is one more surprise I ordered for us,” I said to the cat. “Can you guess?”

“A deluxe Habitrail Hamster Wonderland adventure set?”

“Nope.”

“A polar bear in a fridge?”

“Nope.”

“Yo-yo lessons?”

“Nope again. I’ll tell you… it’s a brand new scanner! All the way from Japan!”

“Wow!” said Wooof. “So cool! It looks like a Transformer robot!”

“It does. And best of all, it doubles as a time machine!”

“Brilliant,” said the cat. “One can never have enough time machines about the office.”

“Too true. Fancy a quick trip to 1980s France?”

“What for?”

“Champagne! To celebrate our new office furniture.”

“Count me in.”

“A one, a two, a one, two, three, four…”

“🎶🎼 Meeeeeeowwwwwwlllll 🎵🎵!!!”

Fin

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Thank you for modernising offices with us in a vintage style 🙂